The 'B' Word
by Madame Wolf
Summary: Begun PreOotP in a flight of fancy. Ginny is: knocked up, in love with Remus, and grounded. Remus is: not entirely happy with things. Fay is: perfect.
1. An Oatmeal Cookie and Chocolate Cake

**Author's Notes**: Just a little thing I wrote when I read way too many Stephanie Plum novels and then decided to write a HP fic. Oh, and I won't be putting myself down in this fic. I have to show I actually have a backbone :D

**Ships are:** Ginny/Remus and Ron/Hermione. If you don't like them, don't read it.

  


**The B Word**

Oatmeal Cookies

  


Ever since I was little, my mum baked when she was angry or upset. It worked. It would take her mind off the subject and if someone had a mental breakdown, there was always enough comfort food to go around. That is also the reason I took up running every night as it seems that Fred and George do something wrong just as frequently. Those cookies were going straight to my hips.

I took an oatmeal biscuit off the tray and bit into it. Delicious, as always. I really shouldn't have been enjoying them, since I was the reason my mum was in a baking frenzy, but I'm only human. They are damn nice biscuits.

Ron came in and stole a slice of the chocolate cake cooling on the bench. Hmm. It looked far too good for my brother. I should have taken a piece of that instead of oatmeal cookies. Actually, it was a good idea to eat healthy. Oatmeal is good for you, right?

'You must have done something really bad to make mum cook this much food.' Ron looked mildly impressed. 'Even at the celebration over You-Know-Who's death mum didn't cook this much.'

'This isn't a good thing, Ron!' I hissed. 'I don't like mum exhausting herself with cooking.'

'At least she isn't screaming or pulling out her hair like some people's mothers.' He shrugged. 'I just wanted to come and say congratulations and that I can't wait to be bouncing a nephew on my knee sometime soon.'

I rolled my eyes. 'Just like a man to presume it will be a boy.'

'I would love a little niece as much as nephew, but you know what I'm hoping for.' He kissed my cheek and walked into the lounge room where the rest of the family was sitting.

'Hey! At least I'm getting married!' I called after him, but he didn't listen.

My mum walked in through the door that led to the garden. In her arm was a basket laden with herbs and vegetables. She was only just beginning. Soon we would be shoved out of the house by the sheer amount of bunt cakes and pot roasts. I had to talk to her.

'Uh, Mum?' I began gingerly. I may be a Gryffindor, but that didn't mean I had enough bravery to take on my mum.

She was chopping spring onions at a pace that threatened fingers. 'Yes, Virginia?' My real name, jeeze, another bad sign. Why me?

'Are you…angry…at me?'

My mother paused and looked at me. 'Why on earth would you think that, Virginia?'

'Well, you keep using my real name. That's kind of unnerving. And the way you are cooking. It's a little creepy.' Not to mention delicious.

'I'm not angry dear,' Chop, chop, chop. 'I'm just a little upset,' Her knife was getting louder as it slammed down on the chopping board. Those poor spring onions.

'If it means anything to you, I'm sorry.'

'You always say that, Ginny,' Phew, we've moved on from the "Virginia" stage. We may be in safe waters. You can put your guns down. 'And I always try to believe you when you say you'll never let it happen again.' My mother scooped up the battered spring onions and dropped them into her pot. 'Remember that nice Neville chap. Why did you ever let him go?'

'Neville was beating for the other team, mum.' I sighed. It was embarrassing trying to explain my love life to my mother. 'Besides, he wasn't the man for me.'

'And you think a werewolf is the man for you?' She hissed.

I narrowed my eyes. 'Mother…you wouldn't happen to be a tiny bit…prejudiced…towards werewolves, would you?'

'Of course not. I have nothing against them.' She wasn't meeting my eyes. I think I've hit the bull's eye.

'And of course a gentle, witty, caring soul like Remus' is totally wrong for your daughter.'

'Oh alright. I am. I admit it. I don't think it's safe for you to be marrying a werewolf. I don't want to see you get hurt.' Her back was to me and she was lining another baking tray. Maybe she would run out of trays and room before Remus came and she could get over it? Fat chance.

'What is so bad about them? For the better part of the month, they are normal wizards or Muggles.'

She turned around and she was white. 'What if he bites you? What if he bites your child? What if he kills you and…and…and wrecks your lovely cross stitch you did when you were eight?' She began crying. I hate it when my mum cries.

'Mum, I love him. I want to marry him.' I sighed. 'Can you please try and be happy for me? I'm going to need all the help I can get. This wedding is going to be hell without you.' I was going in for the kill now. 'And when the baby comes I'm not going to know what do to! I might use the wrong nappies or give it nappy rash. I am hopeless, mum, and I need you.'

'Oh Ginny!' My mum said and wrapped me in a huge hug that almost cracked a rib. She was crying and laughing at the same time and sounded rather like a duck. When she drew back, the insane look in her eye was gone. Instead, there was something far more scarier. The look of a woman preparing a wedding. Oh god. What have I let myself in for?

There was a knock at the door that led in to the lounge room; the same one Ron had exited just a few minutes before. The men in my family know us women too well to enter blindly into a room with knives. Fiery hair goes with a fiery temper, they say, and having grown up in a house of red heads, I can confirm that.

Bill stood there, cool as you please, resting against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes met mine. 'Mum's cooking? What did you do?'

'Oh, you instantly think it's me, do you?' I asked defensively.

'Sure do. Fred and George are too busy in the shop to worry about causing havoc in our house.' He shrugged and repeated his question. 'What did you do?'

'Got pregnant and engaged.' I showed him the simple ring on my finger.

'I'm surprised she hasn't turned this place into a gingerbread house by now.' He moved over to me and checked out the ring. 'Who's the lucky man?'

'Remus Lupin.'

Bill's eyebrows shot up. 'Professor Remus Lupin?' I nodded. 'The werewolf Professor Remus Lupin?'

'You aren't going to start on me too, are you?' I asked exasperatedly.

'No way.' He dropped my hand and looked around. 'Let's leave mum to clean up and go and wait in the lounge.'

I nodded again and let him take me into the living room. It is just like the rest of the house. Not elegant, not expensive, just worn and homey. It smells like cooking all the time, not surprising when that is all my mother seems to do. My entire family seemed to be waiting for the wayward daughter and her lover. Oh jeeze. This was going to be one long night.

Ron had saved me a seat and I took it. He was pouring over an article on the Chudley Cannons in Quidditch Quazy, which he evidently found more interesting than the soap opera playing in his own home. Talk about priorities.

The twins, Fred and George, were over in the corner, whispering as always. Ever since they opened their store in Hogsmeade, using Harry's prize from the Interschool Wizarding Cup a couple of years ago, they had kept their minds on other things than petty pranks on family members. They were famous within Hogwarts and elsewhere too. Everything was going well for them and neither was going to let a small thing like mum's disapproval get in the way.

Charlie was cleaning his dragon hide boots near the fire, which I thought was rather unsafe as the oily rag he was using could catch alight easily. Charlie was one of my favourite brothers. When I was smaller, he would take me on piggyback rides and we would make forts and use mum's good linen as tents.

Next to Ron, on the other side, was Percy in all his fussy glory. We had a civil relationship, we never hated each other but never got on well. He always locked himself in his room with his work and his prefect badges. When I was at Hogwarts, he tried to look out for me, but that was during my days of writing in Riddle's diary, so I never really appreciated it.

Finally, there was my father. He was balding, a little overweight and a child at heart. He was the sort of person who would agree with my mother on a punishment and then tell us it was really a neat idea as soon as she left the room. I had told him about my pregnancy and my engagement first, knowing he'd give me strength to get over mum. He gave me a smile as I looked at him, and I smiled back.

The doorbell rang and everyone jumped a little. I hadn't realised how tense the atmosphere had been until the bell sounded, and now it seemed so oppressive, I was glad to be getting away from them to open the door. Remus was standing there looking nervous. I welcomed him in and ushered him into the living room.

Ron was the first to talk. 'Good evening, Remus.'

'Nice to see you again, Ron.' Remus said with a smile.

I love his smiles. He has one for all occasions. This one was his friendly one. There was a grin that was similar to a wolf that he used when he was excited about something. His fake smile always makes me laugh because I know when he is being bored out of his skull. His smug smile he wears when he gets something right and knows it. And of course, there are a thousand other smiles he wears when we are all alone, ones that he would never show anyone else.

I must have tuned out because by the time I had finished day dreaming about how cute he looks when he smiles, Remus had been introduced by Ron to the rest of the family. Remus put an arm around my waist and it bolstered my spirits so much just by that contact. Not only was it a sign of affection, it made me feel like we were going into this together. Oh, how I love him!

'Dinner is ready.' Bill announced. 'We are having it outside because we have too many people.' What he should have said was "too much food" because that really was the case.

'What's been going on?' Remus asked me in a low voice as we walked outside. The night was pleasant enough, with the crickets chirping and the candles burning to light the way.

'My mother has been cooking non-stop. She was a bit upset.'

'A bit? From the looks of this feast, you have had a tragedy in your family!'

'I know. She wasn't very happy with the whole marriage idea.' I sighed again. I was going to have a nervous breakdown from this family.

'At least I'm making you a decent woman.' He commented mildly.

'Unlike Ron?' I suggested.

'I wasn't going to say that!'

'Were to.' I grinned and kissed him softly. 'There's something I have to tell you about my mother.'

'Yes?'

Before I could tell him to watch the cutlery for silver, my mother came out and sat down next to my father. She waved her wand and the table strained under the food. It was an interesting mix of dinner food and desserts. As long as I tested a pie before eating it, I would be ok.

'Isn't this nice?' My mum said with false cheeriness. 'Together like a big, happy family!'

'It's lovely, mum.' Percy agreed.

I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers, praying for Harry, Sirius and Hermione to hurry up and arrive. I was smart, I wasn't going to let my mother meet Remus without backup. I had also hidden the silver bullets and any jewellery that even looked silver.

Harry's face appeared over the hedge and I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Remus took my hand and squeezed it softly and my eyes opened again. 'I'm meant to be giving you strength, not the other way around. I've known these people my entire life!'

'Oh well. You looked like you were going to faint or something.'

Not so far from the truth...

My mother was fitting people into the already packed table. Hermione sat next to do Ron, which gave me the creeps since knowing that much about my brother's sex life is not cool. Harry sat next to Bill and Charlie and Sirius sat next to me. I could do this, no sweat. 

  


'I think I'm going to be sick.'

I am a poet.

'It wasn't that bad,' Remus said, hanging our jackets on the coat holder by the door. 'Your mother wasn't shooting at me.'

'She was sugary and disgusting.' I said and stood on tiptoe to kiss him softly. 'But I'm glad we're home.'

'So am I.' He moved past me and further into his living room. I pouted and followed him. 'I wanted to talk to you about something.'

'You can talk to me about something later.' I told him. The only thing that had got me through the night was the fact that I was going to have fun when I got home. And when I say fun, I mean the sort you have naked in a bed.

'Ginny, I'm serious.' He said sternly. 'Sit down. I'll make some tea.'

I threw myself on to the sofa and folded my arms. He brought out two cups of tea and handed me on before sitting down next to me. I took a sip and almost burnt off all my tastebuds. 'Ow, it'th hot.' I complained.

'Funny that.' Remus said with a smile. 'Look, Ginny, tonight I realised something.'

'What wath that?' I asked, my voice hard to understand with the heavy lisp.

'That your mother isn't impressed with me sleeping with you, especially before marriage.'

'My mother is old fashioned. It's time for her to wake up and smell the coffee. I'm not a girl any more.' I took a cautious sip of tea now that my speech was normal.

'I know that, you know that, everyone in your family knows it except your mother. She's just afraid of losing you. You're her last child.'

'Ron's still a big baby. And he lives at home.'

He looked uncomfortable. 'I think you should move back in with your parents until the wedding.'

I sat there, blinking at him, for several moments before it actually sunk in. 'You must be joking!' Remus didn't say a word and I knew he wasn't. 'How can you suggest that? My parents are nuts! My mum will brainwash me and I'll start talking about cross-stitching and making eclairs!' My eyes widened as a new thought entered my brain. 'And we wouldn't be able to have sex! My parents have super hearing!'

'Ginny, calm down. Careful of the tea!' He took the cup and placed it on the table. 'It will make your mother think more highly of me. I am willing to sacrifice some things.'

I sighed. 'You had better be right, Remus Lupin.'

  


**Author's End Notes:** Ok, tell me what you think please :D. Any help on it would be really appreciated! 


	2. A Pair of Fluffy Handcuffs

**Author's Notes:** Sorry it took so long. I've been a bit slack. I also forgot the disclaimer. Ooops. In case anyone was wondering, I don't own this. I mean, I own the plot, I think, but the characters are JKs. Oh, and I used a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sorry :D.

  


**A Pair of Fluffy Handcuffs**

  


As a rule, I love handcuffs. I have a pair that I keep in a box under my bed just in case someone uptight comes to visit and they see them. They are metal and have a fluffy ring around them. I rarely get to use them, since Remus is scared of being caught like that. He is a worrywart, but I guess that's one of the reasons I love him. Someone has to worry about practical things, don't they?

Being locked to something is undeniably sexy. My handcuffs are Muggle made; in fact, I found them in a shop in Muggle London. That's a plus since I do have a fair degree of fascination about those silly creatures. The handcuffs are shiny, kinky and a turn on.

They say there is an exception to every rule, and the reason I'm beginning to hate handcuffs is because Remus had my wrists locked together and was making me walk from the car to my parent's. Not only was I in my best lingerie, I also had to take a smelly taxi there too. The Muggle was smoking and kept sneaking looks at me.

'Don't frown.' Remus said.

'It's hard not to. You are a sneaky, lying…'

'When did I ever lie?'

'You deceived me!' I hissed. 'Everything was looking to become very kinky, and then you started making me walk towards the door!'

'I never once said that we were going to have sex, honey.' He said with a slight grin. I would have hit him if my stupid handcuffs hadn't been on me.

'That may be the case, but…' I trailed off since I didn't have a good argument. Bloody werewolves.

I should really make a statement right here and now: I adore Remus. I guess I sort of take it for granted that we love each other so much. Just like my family. I love every member, but they are a bit crazy, aren't they?

'You may want to cover yourself up.' Remus advised and draped his cloak around me. 'Your mother said she'd wait at the gate for us. I sent up your luggage yesterday with a note.'

'All behind my back? How independent.' I replied sarcastically.

'You're cute when you're sarcastic.'

'Bite me.'

My mum was running forward already and her arms were outstretched. It was like watching a broom accident. My mother's rippling flesh mesmerised me and I stood there, waiting for the impact. Just like a broom crash, the earth shuddered with my mother's every step. Huge, meaty arms encircled me, breaking bones, crushing vital organs.

'Hi mum.' I squeaked from under what quite possibly could have been her armpit.

'Oh Ginny! Look at you! Shivering like we're in the Artic! Come inside and I'll fix you some tea. There is some fruitcake as well. Remus, thank you for bringing her.'

We both noticed the dismissal in her tone. He gave her a tight smile, kissed my cheek, and Disapparated. Bastard. If I wasn't pregnant, I would have been gone in a flash.

See, the tea and the fruitcake is just a cover. Underneath it all, I swear, she has mind controlling potions in everything. Soon I'll start knitting and cross stitching and saying "dovey" and "lovey' and "I think I'll make a pot of chamomile tea".

We walked inside and my mother took my coat. I felt my face go bright red, a shade darker than my hair in fact. My mum's eyebrows rose as she took in the skimpy outfit and the handcuffs. What? She's never been caught in lingerie before?

'Really, Ginny. Pink? With your colouring?' She asked after she got her voice back.

I shrugged. 'Um, er…'

Before I could even try and defend my choice of underwear, the door swung open and the two men that could make a bad situation worse came in. Harry and Sirius, who seem to practically live here these days, stopped dead in their tracks.

'Sirius, are they real?' Harry asked in an awed voice.

'Real something.' He replied.

If I hadn't been mortified, I would have laughed. I narrowed my eyes at them and watched as they scuttled to the door. At least that is one good thing about having a reputation of a bad temper. There really isn't a need to prove it.

'Can you let me out of these things?' I asked my mother impatiently. 'I would really like to change, you know.'

'Oh, of course Ginny.' She pulled out her wand from her apron and unlocked the handcuffs for me. 'The Sanders are coming for dinner tonight, so I want you to put on a nice frock and meet them at the door.'

I believe all the blood from my face must have drained at that moment. I absolutely hate the Sanders. Apart from being Muggle to the point of being medieval, the Sanders had a son who was absolutely in love with me. I mean, there was a strand of drool hanging from his mouth whenever I was in the room. And no, he doesn't have something wrong with his head. He is just obsessed with me.

'I'm not twelve, mum.' I managed.

'While you are living under my roof you can help out around here.'

Not the "living under my roof" routine! Is there a parent in Europe who hasn't used that line? It must be in a handbook somewhere. Along with "I'm the head of this household" and "you should respect your elders".

I hadn't said anything, acting increasingly like the sullen teenager. My mother wiped her hands on her apron and looked at me. 'Don't frown, it will give you wrinkles.'

  


'Cheer up, Ginny.' Ron said as he helped me set the table. We were using the medium grade cutlery, which is more or less a step up from the plastic stuff used by Muggles on picnics. I guess mum wasn't busting her hump to impress our neighbours.

'And what, pray tell, is there to be so cheerful about?' I asked, hands on hips. I guess that was a plus. My hips were still visible.

'Mum's pudding for one thing.' He shrugged. 'And the fact that it can't get any worse. I mean, your former crush catching you in your naughty gear? That's embarrassing.'

'How the hell did you find out about that?' I asked him furiously, wishing that my skin wasn't so damn fair.

'Harry, Sirius, random people on the street….'

I threw a fork at him and he ducked. 'Oh yeah? And have they told mum that the reason you can't marry Hermione is because her fingers are so swollen?' Being pregnant and Remus forcing me to read about what I can expect can have its advantages.

'She's not pregnant!' He defended.

'Of course not. She has just put on a little weight.' I replied sarcastically.

He stared at me for a few seconds before returning to the task of setting the table. I heard him mutter something under his breath and I'm sure it was "God, you are such a bitch." Can't you just feel the love?

I sighed. I'd better apologise before Ron starts putting frogs in my slippers again. 'Sorry Ron.'

'Eh, it's ok Ginny.' He gave me a hug. 'Now, I'm afraid, you have to go greet your adoring public.'

'No…. no…they aren't meant to be here yet. Not for another three minutes at least!'

'I guess they're early.'

I let him go and straightened my dress. I was wearing a floral print, which is somewhat different to what I usually wear. Hell, even choosing my own Muggle wear would have been preferable to letting my mother dress me. I feel like I should be plastered to a wall or something. Or maybe just plastered.

'Hello Mr and Mrs Sanders.' I said sweetly as I opened the door. 'And I can't forget you, can I Bruce?' The trickle of saliva from the corner of his mouth was answer enough. 'Mum and Dad are in the den. Please, come in.' Please, someone shoot me.

'Oh, thank you dear.' Mrs Sanders said. Her nose was at an angle that allowed birds and small planes to be sucked up into the nostrils.

I admit, we are not the richest people in the world. We survive, and although money can be tight around back to school time, we have never been reduced to poverty. Our home is nice, warm and full of memories. I remember their house only vaguely, and it's like a museum. It's full of old, expensive stuff and you aren't allowed to touch anything.

My face was beginning to ache from the fake smiling. I extended my hand to lead them into the room when Mrs Sanders raised an eyebrow and took my hand. 'You do know how tacky it is to wear a ring on your wedding finger when you aren't engaged, don't you?'

I'm surprised her eyes could see over her big schnoz. 'Yes. Good thing I'm getting married, isn't it?' I don't know if I intended that to be cheerful or icy. Maybe a bit of both.

'You're getting married? And we aren't invited to the wedding?'

'We haven't actually set the date yet, let alone sent invitations.' My hand should not be kept at that angle, Mrs Sanders.

'Well, I expect an invitation next week.' She told me and let go of my hand. I'd have to ask my mum to check for any broken bones.

'Of course.' I agreed. Talk about painting myself into a corner.

Remus and I, obviously, have wizard relatives, which means a lot of magical wedding guests. How are we to explain the robes and the wands to a bunch of narrow-minded Muggles? Maybe I could get my dad to pull some strings at the Ministry. Oh well.

I led the Sanders to my parents and sat down, wanting coffee and a bear hug from Remus. Instead, I felt something warm drip on my shoulder and looked up to see Bruce staring at me blankly, more drool ready to drop on me.

At least it wasn't my dress.

*~*~*~*~*~*

**Review Replies**:

**Nicole**: Thanks :D I've always been fascinated with an age gap, so it's no wonder I'm into the teacher/student relationships. Thanks for the advice, which I took as you can probably see if you're reading this.

**Iselin**: I trust you more than you know! With the Weasley family, I wanted them to be from her perspective. As you can tell, I did change the summary. It's very Remus Kicks Butt-esque. Hehe. Buttesque!

**Killer Angel**: I agree. Having Ginny being like a sugar cube makes me feel a bit sick. Thanks for reviewing!

**Katherine K**: Why thank you :D. HMS Red Riding Hood forever!

**Trix**: I've posted this as soon as I wrote it and got the Iselin seal of approval :D. I'm glad you like it! 

**Lyly.**: Thanks! Hope you like this chapter!

**Jasmine Black**: Thanks. I love Ginny/Remus so much. Some days it feels like an uphill battle trying to get people to read the stories and write them. Jeeze. Anyway, thanks for the review and I hope you like this chapter.

**C L Rhodes**: Lol. Oh no! I'll have to lock it away then ;). Anyway, I'm glad you're such a big fan of the pairing, and I hope that I can keep up the "standard".

**Dawn:** Will do. Glad you like it :D

**Xela**: Now that is a lot of compliments ;). Thank you, hehe.

**Scarlett**: Well, seeing as you reviewed the first chapter, I think you should give me a break. It's hard enough as it is without having to tell the readers everything in the first five minutes, you know. Thanks for the review, though!

**Chocolate Muse**: Awww, I'm blushing! Thanks for the cookie. And don't worry, I'm still trying to figure out what kind of monster I have created. Hee hee hee.

And thank you to anyone else who has read this story and not reviewed. I love you all ;) 


	3. Chocolate Cupcakes and Brown Paper

**Author's Notes**: SORRY! I know, I've been terrible! I did nothing for a month, and I've written so much in only a few days! Sorry again for the wait!  


  


**Chocolate Cupcakes**

  


Swinging through the air, a hundred metres from the ground, had not been on the agenda for this sunny September morning. No, I couldn't see it in my personal diary, squeezed in next to "Go shopping with Fred and George".

Somehow, my mother thought it would be safer for me to spend the day with my twin brothers, than to go shopping all by myself in Diagon Alley. Well, the joke shop was still in one piece, so I guess that does mean they are half-responsible.

But, you know how my brothers are. They got a little side tracked showing students the newest and most dangerous products, and soon I was as bored as hell. Everyone seemed busy today. Even Sirius Black, who swore he was "professionally unemployed" now that he had his cash from the Ministry, was up to his armpits in errands.

Fred and George told me that I could do some deliveries for them. After I stopped yelling at them for thinking I could run around in my condition, someone mentioned an order from Hogwarts and I was out of there faster than a greased pig.

Charming analogy. In fact, the broom was the greasiest thing I had ever had the luck to try to fly on. My brothers bought a semi-decent Nimbus 3000 and spent every spare moment polishing it. This made it shiny, for one thing, and impossible to fly.

So, I was hanging underneath it, trying to get back on, when the delicate sensors of the broom mistakenly took my jerky movements as the signal to go. That's just marvellous. That's just fantastic. I'm so glad I'm about to die you STUPID BROOM!

Ok. Kicking, screaming and swearing isn't going to get me back atop the broom. Maybe if I actually pay attention to where I am headed, I might survive the trip. My hands are getting sweaty and horrible, but what else can I do? Wipe them on my trousers? Are you nuts? I bet you are and you want to see me plummet to my death.

I could see the tips of the towers of the castle and my hands nearly dropped in relief. The Nimbus floated down, but stopped short of reaching the ground. I was busy trying to touch the stones with my tiptoes when I heard a familiar voice.

'What the devil are you doing, Miss Weasley?'

Snape. Evil dude. Ok, so he isn't as evil as he looks and sounds, but he definitely looks and sounds evil. Or at least semi-evil. Quasi-evil. He can make seven years wet their pants if he tries hard enough, doesn't that count for something? I suppose his reputation was shot when he was in the Order. That amuses me no end.

So, Snape was wondering what the "devil" I was doing. I thought it was pretty obvious. I mean, what else could have happened? I could have been trying to do a cool loop-de-loop and fallen over, but that doesn't seem very likely. I had better say something.

'I'm delivering a package to Headmaster Dumbledore.' I was cool. I was calm. I was collected. I was hanging off a frickin' broom!

'Owls are far more reliable, it would seem.' Smarmy git. I'll give you owls!

I took a breath and quoted, in a tired voice, "We'll deliver personally to anywhere in Europe." My brothers were going to pay for that stupid slogan. It only came because they liked giving autographs after their amazing exit from Hogwarts, and they always got autographs.

'And Floo Pow--,'

'WILL YOU LET ME DOWN?!' I shouted. My entire body shook and the broom skittered like a spooked horse.

I felt him help me down and shuddered at the idea of his hands touching me. I bet they were gross and slimy and horrible. It took an incredible amount of will power to stop myself from being violently sick. I bent over to brush some invisible dirt off my trousers so I could regain my composure but my face remained bright red. 'Where's Remus?'

'The werewolf,' Snape's voice dripped with disdain, even after all these years. He's worse than a woman for holding a grudge! 'is in his rooms. You may see him after you have delivered the package to the Headmaster.'

He turned around and began walking off. I stuck out my tongue and hurried after him, while the Nimbus floated over to the broom shed. Hogwarts had not changed one bit since my time there. Not that it is very surprising, after all, not much has changed since it was built. The Headmaster's office was in the same place, but the password was different. Snape lowered his head down and whispered it, clearly not wanting me to hear it. Talk about trusting me as much as he could throw me. Snape may be terrible, but he wouldn't chuck a pregnant woman, would he?

'Ah, Miss Weasley!' Called a cheery voice. 'I was wondering when you'd bring the package! Thank you Severus. You may get back to your potions.'

'I should escort Miss Weasley off the grounds afterwards…' Snape said, his eyes glittering. Ugh, creepy.

'No, I'm sure Remus can be of assistance there.' Dumbledore's glitter was way cooler. Go Dumbledore! Whoo! Hmm, I think this baby is making me act like a child myself. I'm sort of in the mood for ice cream now. And jellybeans. What kind of cravings are those? I'm going to have a kid with a sweet tooth, I can feel it!

'Very well. Good day Albus.'

Snape left and I turned back to Dumbledore. 'Please, take a seat Miss Weasley. I don't like to make it a habit to keep my guests standing.'

I sat down in the chair opposite his desk and handed him his order. 'Well, technically I'm not a guest. I'm doing my job.' Says she, the one already in a chair.

'Let's not go into great detail.' He suggested in a dry voice.

I'm one of those people who can not stand people taking forever to open gifts, or, in this case, a package. At Christmas, I'm the one sitting amidst shredded wrapping paper and broken presents, because I've just ripped right through them.

Now, Professor Dumbledore must be the sort of person who enjoys saving wrapping paper to turn into lovely pieces of artwork. He might frame it for all I know. He was peeling the brown paper my brothers used to protect their products like he had paid mega Galleons for it, instead of whatever was in it. It was all I could do not to yank it out of his withered hands and tear it open.

When I saw what he had bought, my mouth went limp. I bet Dumbledore could have seen every one of my molars. My hands lifted of their own accord and I started moving forwards, towards the items in the perfect brown paper.

Dumbledore held up one of my mother's patented chocolate cupcakes and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. 'Would you like one, Miss Weasley?'

I nodded and gave him puppy dog eyes. Dumbledore looked like he was weighing up whether to part with one or not, but, praise the Lord, he handed one of the prized cupcakes over. He poured some tea, and I had to remind myself that I was in company, and I couldn't just inhale the cupcake. I had to chew carefully, and swallow, and chew again.

Believe me, just remembering that when I was under the influence of chocolate cupcakes takes up all my brainpower. I was "out of action" for several minutes, and no conversation was held between Dumbledore and me. Any conversation carried out with the cupcake, however, is another story.

After I'd finished, I had to ask the question bugging me ever since Remus had told me about it.

'How's the cure going?'

If you must know, Remus is being a guinea werewolf for Snape and Dumbledore. They've decided that, now the war is over yadda yadda yadda, it is the safest time to begin testing for a cure for lycanthropy. Remus was into it big time as soon as he heard. Firstly, he'd get paid, and we need the money. He has his little flat in the bad part of London, but that's no place to raise a kid.

Secondly, you can't find a cause that Remus believes in more. He hates being a werewolf, but he'd never admit it (too loud at least). If he can have any part in finding the cure, he would die happy. No one seems to have told him that he could die finding the cure, but it's been on my mind a helluva lot since he told me.

'It's going, and that is all I can tell you, Miss Weasley.' Dumbledore had a funny little smile on his face. 'Professor Lupin is being a marvellous victim-- I mean tester-for all of Professor Snape's potions.'

'Any side effects?' I asked, worriedly.

'There has been some weight loss, but no more than which usually occurs during a transformation.' Dumbledore said carefully.

'Poor baby…' I murmured, forgetting all about him ditching me at my parent's place. Right now, Remus was my knight in shining armour. An hour ago, his name was mud. These bloody hormones are driving me nuts!

'Do not worry, Miss Weasley,' he said with another smile. 'Professor Sprout makes him eat twice as much as he would usually.'

I could just imagine Remus being forced to eat another kidney pie. "No, it won't fit!" I put a hand over my mouth to hide the giggles at the vision of him being whipped unless he ate it. Poor, poor Remus!

'That makes me feel a bit better.' I said, grinning.

Dumbledore nodded, then sighed. 'Miss Weasley, I'm afraid I had an ulterior motive for ordering your mother's chocolate cupcakes.'

Mum's cupcakes didn't deserve an ulterior motive. My brows knitted. 'What? You were going to turn them into a decorative headpiece or something?'

'No, no. Nothing as odd as that. I have a warning for you…'

'A warning? Huh? My name is Ginny Weasley, not Harry Potter. You must have us confused. Harry doesn't dress up like me on weekends and uses my name, does he?' I was a little worried now. Harry always seemed like a normal young boy...

'It is definitely you I need to speak to. I needed the cupcakes to get you away from your house. Your mother is worse than a warden at Azkaban!' He rubbed his face. 'I have a very strange feeling, and it's hard to explain.'

'Well, give me an example or something!' I said grumpily. I didn't like where this conversation was going, and I wanted to go meet Remus. I wanted to meet him now.

'I have the sort of feeling about you that you get when you know the house elves, or, in your case, your mother, is going to make chilli for dinner. You know something terrible is going to happen and you are completely helpless against stopping it.'

'That was a very good example.' I commented. 'So, you think I'm in danger or something?'

'Not so much danger…as in…great impending doom, perhaps?'

'Oh, what a relief!' I said with a roll of my eyes. 'May I go see Professor Lupin now?'

'Not before you promise me you'll be careful.' He said seriously.

'Fine. I'll be careful. I'll wrap myself up in cotton wool and knit booties!' I said the 'B' word!

He sighed again. 'I just don't want to have you get hurt.'

I drank the rest of my tea. 'Look, I'll be careful, honestly, as long as I can go see Remus now.'

He nodded without saying a word. I hurried out of the room before he could tell me any more bad news.

I walked out of this office and into the halls. For a moment, I felt like breaking a rule and running through a corridor, or using magic, but I kept myself in check and made my way to Remus' rooms. I knew the way like the back of my hand.

I knocked on his door and shifted from foot to foot impatiently. I was going to throw my arms around his neck and tell him that Dumbledore was crazy. And that Snape deserves to be decked. And that he is a bastard for leaving me in the Burrow.

Thank goodness I didn't have my eyes closed when the door opened. Instead of Remus standing in the doorway, a goddess was there in his place. She was leggy with blue eyes and blonde hair that looked like it should be on the head of a fairy princess from those corny books we read in Muggle Studies.

'Uh hello?' I asked in a threatening tone. I wasn't worried, I promise.

'Oh hello!' She replied in a posh accent that just reeked of culture and intelligence. The woman sounded smarter than me already. Uh oh. 'You must be Virginia Weasley.' She took my hand and shook it.

'It's just Ginny.' I responded, quite stunned.

'I just assumed…' She trailed off, then seemed to catch herself. 'Remus has told me so much about you.'

'Really?' Boy, I was quite the conversationalist today!

'Of course. He is head over heels for you. Come in, come in! Remmie is just having a nap.'

I followed her immediately and she forced me into the couch. 'Remmie? Nap? Heels?' I blinked. 'I think I missed something.'

'Oh I'm sorry.' The woman said, instantly apologetic. 'I'm Fay. I'm an old friend of Remus'. Well, I've always called him Remmie.'

'He never lets me call him Remmie.' I muttered.

'We knew each other when we were children. The only magic folk in the entire town I believe. We were so close…' She smiled brightly and had teeth even Gilderoy Lockhart would envy. 'Remus is just tired from being tested on all day. Poor baby.'

The couch was the sort that ate people, so I was struggling to avoid being swallowed whole. 'And why are you here, Fay?'

'I wanted to see Remmie again.' She announced. 'He wrote me about the wedding and I thought it would be a great excuse to meet up with him.'

'Oh yeah.' I was exhausted after my battle with the Couch of Ultimate Evil. 'I get where you're coming from.'

Fay nodded then let out a piercing scream. 'REMMIE!'

I turned my head and saw that Remus had come out of his room, looking sleepy and rubbing his eyes. He was thinner than when he dropped me off at my parents' place, but looked healthy enough. Well, apart from the burst ear drum that is.

'Fay,' he acknowledged, then saw me. 'Ginny! Hey! What brings you to Hogwarts?'

'I had a delivery for Dumbledore.' I told him. 'I was, as they say, in the neighbourhood and thought I'd drop by.' I smiled and stood. 'I'm sorry we couldn't talk, but I have work to do.'

He raised an eyebrow, but I was feeling sorry for myself. I wasn't blonde, I wasn't tall and curvy. I was plain old Ginny Weasley.

At least I was plain, old, Ginny Weasley who would soon have a block of Honeydukes chocolate in her possession.

  


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**C.L.Rhodes**: Yeah, yeah, I know. I took forever in updating-- again! But this is a very hard story for me to write! Anyway, the reason I do things like: 'I want a cookie' instead of: "I want a cookie" is because I always read stories that used " " for quoting someone or something, and ' ' for dialogue. Sorry if it confuses you, but I rarely quote, and I start a new sentence when someone else is speaking! Thanks for reviewing!

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**And to the rest of you...** thanks if you read this fic but don't review. You guys are semi cool too! 


	4. The Perfect Professor

**THe Perfect Professor**

  


Number ninety-three Diagon Alley hadn't changed much since my brothers had bought it back in 1996. I remember that it had looked run down, very run down, to begin with, but a lick of paint had fixed most of it. Inside, the floorboards had needed polishing and a new counter made it seem much better.

Now, the thriving joke shop, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, had students lining up out the door to look at the merchandise. It was getting out of hand! During the summer, I had practically worked from seven in the morning until ten at night, and people were still trying to get in! It was a wonder if the boys got any work done on the new range.

'Ginny! Hurry up! We need the broom!' George called from the window.

I groaned and opened the backdoor, the one that led on to the side alley. It was an ok place to park a broom, but hell if you had a crash landing thanks to the rubbish bins and hard stone ground. Before I'd left Hogwarts, I'd performed a cleaning spell on the broom, just in case.

Next to the door are a coat rack, and a broom rack. I placed my light jacket on a hook and let the Nimbus float to its place on the broom rack. I owned an Asteroid, the broom that came out after the Firebolt. It wasn't as good as the Nimbus 3000, but no where near as awesome as Firebolt: The New Zone. That was the sort of broom that the Army would use.

Fred was showing the newest batch of students to make it into the shop how some of the Snackboxes worked, to tumultuous applause. George was sitting at the desk, looking at order forms. I sat down opposite him and opened the chocolate I'd bought.

'Did Dumbledore's order get there safely?' He asked distractedly. It was strange seeing my brother like this. I wanted to snap my fingers in his face to see if he was an alien.

'Yeah, but you shouldn't put so much bloody broom polish on the Nimbus!' I complained.

'The can says it stops stains from forming on the wood.'

I made a gesture with my hands. 'It also stops people from riding it! I flew to Hogwarts by hanging underneath it!'

'Sounds like fun.' He grinned. 'I should try that next time.'

I sighed with exasperation and gave up trying to whine about the broom incident. Instead, I thought I might try whining about the shopping. 'You said you'd take me shopping!'

'No, mum said we had to. You never do anything mum tells you to. Why should we?' He asked with annoying logic. 'Besides, you always order terrible things and make us eat them.'

'Like what?' All of my food ideas in the past few days had been delicious! My eyes were just bigger than my stomach sometimes.

'Like that horrible sardine and jam sandwich.' George shuddered.

'That was lovely. I think I might make another one of those…'

Before I could reach the kitchenette, however, someone did a rolly polly out of the fireplace and landed in a heap on the rug. I shared a look with George and went to investigate.

It wasn't hard to believe that Sirius Black had made the entrance. He was coughing from the soot he would have stirred up, and looked filthy. I offered a hand in getting up, and he took it. Once standing, he made a great show of brushing away the dirt from his trousers and shirt. I rolled my eyes at him.

'What brings you to Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, Sirius?' I asked as we walked into the kitchenette. The sardine and jam sandwich was sounding wonderful, and I couldn't get it out of my head now.

'You. Remus wanted me to keep an eye on you.' He said bluntly as he accepted the drink I handed him.

'He did, did he? And he thinks every member of my immediate family can't even look after their shoe laces?' I could understand why my mother cooked when she was angry. It was fun taking out my emotions on a piece of bread. It couldn't feel anything. At least I hoped it didn't, otherwise I was a monster.

I raised the sandwich to mouth level and suddenly wondered if sardines had any concept of reincarnation, or karma. It was almost depressing enough to make me stop eating it.

'Of course he doesn't. He just knows you're a lot more trouble than shoelaces. And a lot more fun.' He slammed the glass down and looked at me. 'What are you thinking about, Ginny?'

'Oh, just the basic philosophical beliefs of sardines.'

Sirius looked at me like I was insane, but seemed to recover. 'Alright, I have been told to offer my services to you for the day.' I grinned and he sighed. 'Somehow I don't think that is going to involve being a sex slave…' He looked disheartened.

'Not a sex slave, but a slave nonetheless…'

  


  


  


  


I was sick of shopping. I never thought it would ever be physically possible, but I didn't want to shop ever again. I never wanted to see another snooty shop assistant, another price tag or another discount pair of slacks. I wanted to shoot the person who invented sales, or maybe the person who invented fashion over comfort. My feet felt like they would fall off in a few moments.

Sirius had been a god. He'd carried all of my packages, never said a word and never moaned. He saw me starting to stumble and suggested we find a nice little cafe to have afternoon tea in. I whole-heartedly agreed, and so we did.

He ordered an iced coffee with extra, extra whipped cream. I had a cappuccino with three sugars. We got our drinks and watched the shoppers walking along the streets, arms full of clothes, books and other assorted goodies. There were plenty of students, and it made me wonder how many children were of school going age. It seemed there was a never-ending supply of them coming out of one shop or another.

I'd almost finished my coffee when I saw a familiar blonde walking down the street carrying a small, brown paper bag. Fay was looking fabulous and I had half a mind to pretend not to hear her when she called at me. But, I smiled and waved back and she came over. 'May I join you, Ginny?'

'Of course.' I said, pulling out a chair. 'Fay, this is Sirius Black. Sirius, this is Fay…oh dear, I never caught your last name I'm afraid.' I looked at Fay expectantly.

'I'm Fay Lyrebird.' She told me, but her eyes were on Sirius. 'Professor Fay Lyrebird.'

He seemed to know of her. 'Are you filling in the Defence against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts this year, then, Professor?'

She giggled. 'Why, yes, I am.'

Whoa! Hold up there Miss Perfect! How could she be taking over Remus' job? He's perfect at it! He is the best Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts has ever had! I was in shock. I thought Fay had only come to Hogwarts because of the wedding. Now I know that she was really a sneaky little thing, using Remus as an excuse to get a job!

He smiled. 'I've heard about you, Professor. My friend, Remus, he spoke of you as a child.'

While they were talking, I was shrinking down in my seat, feeling younger than ever. Sirius and Fay would be around the same age, if Remus had known her as a child and he'd raved about her. Older children don't usually talk about their younger playmates.

'That's delightful!' She exclaimed. 'I'm afraid Remmie only told me about you a few nights ago.'

'Yes, you would be up at the castle with Moony…' Sirius seemed to be enjoying this immensely.

'We're having a whale of a time catching up on old times.' Fay told him. 'He's told me all about Ginny and their baby.'

'I'm the godfather, did you know?'

Remus and I agreed that if he got to choose the godfather, I got to choose the godmother. That was an easy agreement, since I had a million male friends and it would've been a really hard choice if I'd had to decide on the godfather. I only had a few female friends, and even then it was tough. Besides, Sirius will do a bang up job of being the godfather to my kid, I know it. Not to mention that lovely compensation cheque from the Ministry would keep little "Rudiger" in style.

'No, I didn't! We'll have to talk together again soon. However,' she stood and tapped the paper bag. 'I ought to be getting back. It was lovely seeing you again Ginny, and so soon!' She kissed my cheeks, which I thought was taking incredible freedom with my face. 'I hope I can meet you again, Mr Black.'

'I hope so too. Have a nice day!'

As soon as she was out of earshot, I hissed, 'You are such a prat!'

'What? What did I do?' He asked, clearly confused.

'I'm not happy with her being so bloody close to my Remus. She's perfect!'

He rolled his eyes at me. 'Come on, Ginny! Moony isn't the sort to be seduced by earthly temptations. God knows I am, but not him. You ought to be more trustworthy.'

'You were melting in your boots with in five minutes. How long do you think it'll take Remus?' I moaned from behind my hands. I had them clamped to my face.

'He won't cheat on you. You're too good looking. Cheer up.'

'Thanks Sirius.' I muttered. 'I want to go home.'

'And which home is this?' He asked politely.

I sighed with resignation. 'I suppose I want to go to the Burrow…'

  


  


  


My mother was not happy with the fact I'd spent several minutes hanging under a broom. My mother was not happy with the fact I was wearing trousers. My mother wasn't very happy in general, but she gave me a bear hug when I came home and pushed some food into my hands, so I know I was still loved.

Ron was in the lounge when I finished dinner. I sat down in a chair, debating whether or not to bug him about Hermione and the baby. He seemed like he'd had a day similar to mine, and I wondered if he'd thought Hermione was cheating on him. Or maybe he was just puzzled by the religion of sardines, bread and jam.

'Whatcha thinking about?' I asked Ron finally.

'Oh, just wondering if there is some sort of afterlife for Butterbeer.'

In that moment I knew that my brother and I were way too close to be normal.

  


**Author's Stuff**: Wow, I got my act together and uploaded it. Now the reviews!

**Killer Angel** Thanks! Iselin and I certainly had a job fixing up the third chapter. It was driving me nuts!

**Neni Potter**: I think they're a great couple too. And don't worry about Ginny, she'll be alright in the end. At least so far she will be *shifty eyes* Thanks for reviewing.

**Chocolate Muse**: Yeah, I updated. It was like a drought and then "Whooosh!" all this creativity appeared, so I wrote down a few chapters, but this one was the hardest and needed plenty of "polishing" (Dare I mention it with Ginny lurking?). And, in true Pidgie spirit, my characters will have some relief before I chuck them back into the plot again (and yes, there is a plot with an ending and it isn't just a mindless bit of fun).

**Katie Weasley**: Why thank you :).

**SnogginGodess**: Lol. Thanks. I don't want to "saturate the market" so I have to evenly pace my updates ;). But don't worry, I might upload "Floor Roast" earlier than anticipated.

**Iselin**: Whoo hooo! Sugar! You're such a sweetie ;) Thank you for all the hard work you put into the story and time it must take. I'm half way (sorta) through "Breakfast Training" (caution: name subject to change) and it's pretty ok so far. Thank you again!

**aikakone**: This review made my day. Thank you very much! And I seriously dig your website :D.

**LTDan**: Thank you, thank you, thank you. *Takes a bow* And I hope the "wait" wasn't too long for you ;).

**MJ**: Thanks :). The humour is a bit from me, a bit from my mum, a bit from Stephanie Plum (a LOT from Stephanie Plum, really) and just other sources that make up my life. Thanks for the salute! At ease!

**ChaliceInnana**: Thanks. Well, I'd love to write kink but I'm not qualified to do so, and I sorta want to keep my PG 13 rating. However, Ginny and Remus will be getting some "action" very soon. Not even a family emergency could stop Ginny from "seizing" the chance to be "comforted" by Remus ;) Hehehehehehe.

Thank you to all the reviewers and anyone else that reads this. You all rock! (That's a good thing...) 


	5. Floor Roast

**

Floor Roast

**

  


Recap. I'm at my parents' house, the place we call "The Burrow". Mum's finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm in love with, getting married to and am knocked up by Remus J Lupin, the sexiest Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts has ever seen. Ron and Hermione are also having a baby, if they ever admit it. Sirius Black has compensation from the Ministry for their "slight mix up" over his morals. Not that he has any, mind you. Remus is at Hogwarts with a gorgeous blonde and is trying to come up with a cure for lycanthropy.

Oh yeah, and I am in the mood for baked beans and custard.

Not together. Jeeze! My cravings aren't that bad!

Believe it or not, but there was another family dinner tonight. Ron called us together for it. I wonder if he'll finally tell everyone that he was playing "hide the salami" with Hermione. I doubt it. My brother has two fears, among many. One: spiders. He can't stand them. He's a huge sooky baby when it comes to them. The second is, of course, our mother. Totally warranted. She is Howler happy.

'Hermione, is it a betrayal to everything I believe in if I'm getting into maternity wear?' I asked as I walked out my door. The easy months were over and I was growing really big. Big big. The "side of a house" big.

She raised an eyebrow. 'And what do you believe in, Ginny?'

'High heels, short skirts and a pile of make up.' I sighed as I remembered how good I used to look "back in the day". 'What about you, Hermione? What do you think of maternity clothes?' Not so subtle hint there.

Hermione went slightly pink in the cheeks and lowered her eyes. 'Oh, er, some of it is very nice.' Quickly catching herself, she pointed to the dress I was wearing. 'I like this.'

'Thanks.' We sat down on the sofa in sync. 'Maybe I'll lend it to you.' This was a complete lie since Hermione's flowing robes were hiding her little bun in the oven quite well.

'Uh, thanks.' She muttered.

I think I'm a bit of a sadist.

I was reminded of the night I was waiting for Remus to come to the Burrow when I introduced him as my lover. Except, Charlie couldn't make it tonight due to "business". That just meant he either melted his face off again, or he was at a bar trying to pick up chicks. Either way, he was going to be burnt.

Ron walked into the room looking more nervous than I was when mum was beating up those spring onions. Hermione walked over to Ron and touched his arm, obviously talking to him through body language. I didn't have to feel left out for long, because two people stepped out of the fireplace, giving me a good enough excuse to leave the sickening love birds.

Remus was there, along with none other than Fay. Fay, Fay, Fay. She was going to make me wear my teeth away from grinding them all the time. I brushed some of the dirt from Remus' clothes and gave him a hug.

In turn, he gave me a wry grin. 'I see you've made up with me.' He muttered.

'Shut up you,' I stuck my tongue out, but it was good to have him banter with me again. I hated it when he was too serious. He was a real stick in the mud then. Sighing, I looked meaningfully at Fay, who was daintily cleaning herself of dust. 'Let me guess, she would have been all alone and you had to bring her along. To a Weasley family dinner. For Weasleys.' The last part wasn't really needed, but hell, I wanted to emphasise the WEASLEY part of it.

Remus looked a tad sheepish. 'Sorry.'

I shrugged. 'Hey, don't be sorry yet. Be sorry when she's eating baby mash at the kiddies' table.' With a swish of my tablecloth of a dress, I left them and walked into the kitchen.

Mum was acting like we were serving the Queen, which is even worse than cooking when she's mad. She makes food automatically when she's angry. When she's frantically cooking, she makes mistakes and blames whoever's closest. Which happened to be me when the roast slipped out of her hands.

Thankfully, I had my wand on me, and I stopped it from going splat on the floor. No matter how many times a day my mum washes it, it isn't safe to eat off yet. The tray made a racket on the ground and my mum went a little crazy.

'GINNY WEASLEY! MUST YOU WALK INTO MY KITCHEN WHEN YOU KNOW I'M BUSY COOKING A DINNER YOUR NO GOOD BROTHER MAKES ME HAVE. JUST BECAUSE HE'S CONFESSING ABOUT GETTING HERMIONE PREGNANT DOESN'T MEAN THAT—,'

I bet I was as pale as a ghost by the time my mum got to this point. She was looking scarier than a dragon with PMS, which almost made me let the roast go. So. My mum knew about the Hermione/Ron problem. And she'd just spilt it to my entire family. Way to go mum.

Fred and George entered at this stage, always on the lookout for trouble, even at their age. Their eyes widened and they simply backed out of the room. Lucky buggers. I waved my wand and put the roast on the bench and then picked up the tray from the floor.

Mum was hyperventilating and trying to move the food on to the table at the same time. I didn't know what to do; I wasn't sure whether I was meant to apologise, or to get angry, or to just shut up and help. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I made lame jokes.

'That roast! Nearly got away from us, eh mum?' I forced a chuckle and then poured myself a glass of water. When in doubt, drink water. After gulping down a few gallons, I continued. 'Mum, do you need some assistance there?' I asked, motioning to the cake she was icing.

'Go greet the family. And keep the children occupied.'

Brilliant. Just brilliant. She gave me the worst job imaginable. I had to keep an eye on all the little ankle biters. I don't think that was a good thought to have about kids when I was pregnant with one. Why couldn't I be giving birth to a nice goldfish or something? They don't whine and make messes in their pants.

I heard the knock on the door and answered it. It was my Uncle Paul and Aunt Viv. They'd brought my cousin Emma in all her three year old, pigtailed glory. She was one of those kids who adored pink, ponies and pulling heads off dolls.

'Uncle Paul! Aunt Viv!' I exclaimed, kissing cheeks and collecting coats. With far less enthusiasm I said, 'Emma.'

She was making a face at me and looked like a fish. Maybe I would be giving birth to something far closer to a goldfish than I originally thought…

'I heard your mum all the way down the road.' Aunt Viv told me with a raised eyebrow. 'What happened?'

'I think you might want to see Aunt Jen. She's the gossip queen of the family.' I told her wearily.

They thanked me and went to see how much of what my mother had said was true. I shoved the coats into the closet and looked down at Emma. She was picking her nose with as much relish as Remus got from eating a block of chocolate.

'Hey, Em, what's happening?' I asked her in a false excited voice.

'Nothing.' She told me, still bogie hunting.

'Want to go to my room? I have a teddy bear collection that can't be beat.'

Her eyes lit up and she looked at me, her hand hanging from her nose. 'Teddy bears?'

'Yeah.' I ruffled her hair as she ran up the stairs.

I was impressed. I'd managed to be a cool cousin and work on my children skills. I wasn't going to be a hopeless mother. I was going to be Supermum! I bounced over to Remus to tell him the good news.

'I'm not going to kill my children!' I told him with a big smile on my face.

He did a double take. 'What was that?'

'I'm not going to kill my children. I'm going to be a good mother.'

The relief on his face was amazing. 'Wonderful. How did things go in the kitchen?'

'You don't want to know.' I said.

Ron appeared in the lounge room again, but he had more colour in his cheeks. Dad must've given him some of the Firewhiskey we kept for "special occasions". 'Um, dinner's ready.' He announced with the passion of a limp lettuce.

Everyone moved out to the backyard and sat down at the table. Fay looked like a supermodel at an "all you can eat night" at the Three Broomsticks. I took pity on her and didn't make her sit at the kiddie table. However, Emma did want to learn all about Fay's life thus far, so I gave her the chance to ask all the questions she wanted by seating her next to the poor woman.

'Before we start I would like to, er, make a toast.' Ron said. He was standing and holding a glass of wine in his hand. 'To Hermione and our unborn child.'

Fighting the urge to shout "I knew it!", I murmured "To Hermione" and took a long sip of pumpkin juice. My brother was showing more guts than I knew he had, and I was mildly impressed. The only things that would have made this night better would have been mum to recover from her state of catatonia and for me to be able to go back to the castle with Remus.

Fay tugging at my sleeve interrupted my thoughts. 'Ginny, I think Emma wants to tell you something…'

I smiled, feeling as if I could take on anything. Bring. It. On. 'Yes, Em?'

She smiled at me and showed me the savagely torn head of my favourite teddy bear, minus his body. 'Your teddy bears are fun.'

  


**Author's Note**: Ok, I'm really sorry about not getting to this sooner, but I have school and I had overdue assignments, not to mention a whole lot of emotional stuff going on with my friends (sometimes I wish people would just hate me and get it over and done with!) Oh, and I have several projects going on at once (a _well planned_ back in time fic is emerging at the moment, you know, since Book 5 is out and I haven't written anything with Book 5 stuff in it.) Anyway! Thank you for being patient and now I'll reply to your reviews!

**Neni Potter**: I think Remus and Ginny are perfect for each other, too. He would never cheat on her...or would he? *Shifty eyes*

**Aurora Bailey**: Thanks :) Sorry I didn't put it up sooner. Hmm, I always seem to say that. I truly am sorry this time!

**CrazyGirl23**: Thanks for liking it. As you can see, I have written more ;)

**demonlordofkaranda**: I think I need some serious punishment for not doing anything for so long! Ok, I've updated. I hope you haven't grown old and died in the mean time...

**LTDan**: The more I write about Fay, the more I have come to realise that I'm taking the mickey out of my friend for her love of Mary Sues. Thanks for hating her, it means I've done my job. Thanks for reviewing, and I hope *this* wait wasn't too long...

**Chocolate Muse**: Thanks for the hugs and the review. I think I've stayed in first person Ginny for too long. I'm imaginging sardines in Butterbeer *makes face*. Hope you liked this one, if you're still alive ;)

**Xela**: Mmm, raw sugar. See, that's what I should be on. I'd get so much done if I never slept. Sorry this chapter got "jammed in the machine", so to speak.

**SnogginGodess**: Any sane woman wouldn't mind to have Sirius Black as their sex slave, but we all know Ginny is a bit nuts :D. Thanks for the review!

**Iselin**: Ah, my dear beta reader. Thanks for continuing to review my stories, even if your notes in the middle of the chapter are more than enough (*hee hee*). Thanks for being there, and for reviewing :)

**LTDan**: Thanks. I tried writing a Ginny/Draco Ginny/Remus fic once. It started off ok, but I so couldn't get Draco's character. And he only had three lines! I think it was the naked picture Ginny drew of him (she was being all dark and artsy. Don't blame me! I was listening to Jeff Buckley!) Here, I've updated :D

**aikone**: Thanks for all the reviews :) I think I may reply in one spot.  
The problem with writing Ginny as this funny is that it's sometimes hard to get out of the habit and then go and write angst or something for my other fic that I'm writing. However, it does come in handy for _another_ project I have, *wink wink*. Ah yes, I forgot Fay shrieked. Well, one more thing for Ginny to hate. Yeah, I wrote the first chapter about a month before Book 5, but decided to keep going since everyone I showed liked it. That's why the shop has a different location in the first chapter. I do like replying to the reviews, and I love it when people reply to mine. This Sirius is probably a toned down version of him in my fic, WtPNY. Thanks for reviewing :D.

**Xela**: I'm really really really sorry. My dad was changing from cable to ADSL that night, and I was really pissed off (to say the least). I hope this makes up for it.

**ANONI-MOUSE**: *Sheepish* Sorry. If you're still alive, enjoy this chapter. If not, Rest in Peace.

**Nikka4**: Updated. Sorry :(

  


**On a completely different note** I think I can share some good news with you. Since people have been saying: "Paige, how the hell did Remus and Ginny get together? Was it superglue? I bet it was superglue." and I stole Ginny from earlier plot bunnies AND I have a pile of ideas that need to be either removed from my computer or written entirely....I have decided to mash them all together and create "Impulsive Behaviour". Impulsive Behaviour will be the prequel to The B Word. (Ha ha, I scared Iselin by telling her I was quitting the b word instead of writing how they got together. Muhahaha, I'm evil.) I'm pretty sure I want it to be on my website instead of on ff.net.

Hope you guys could handle the wait :) 


	6. Breakfast Olympics

**

Breakfast Olympics

**

The next morning I practically floated down the stairs. Had you been in my place, I am sure you would have too. In spite of my family having enough gossip for the next twenty years, I had managed to have the best night in months. Mum and Dad slept in the basement, due to the number of Weasley's staying, and had retired so early that I managed to have Remus stay the night.

Ron, Dad and Remus were chatting away at the breakfast table as I walked in. Remus looked good enough to eat with his fluffy bunny boxers, long grey t-shirt, hair sticking up at odd angles and jam on his cheeks from the toast. I put my arms around his waist and kissed his cheek. 'You taste like strawberries.' I told him.

He looked amused. 'I see you are fully recovered from the trauma of having your teddy bear's head ripped off.'

I placed a hand to my head and swooned into his lap. 'Oh dear, I think I might need you to stay another night to "comfort" me.' Inside I was laughing my head off.

My dad cleared his throat. 'Not at the table, please.'

I sighed, moved into another chair and started putting sausages, bacon and eggs on my plate. 'How can you eat that much?' Ron asked me, his mouth hanging open in utter amazement.

'Training.' I told him around munched up food. 'I'm going to see if I can get into the Food Olympics. I want to win gold in the Breakfast Marathon.' He rolled his eyes at my lame attempt at humour. 'What were you guys talking about before I came in?'

'Weddings--,'

'Last night's dinner--,'

'Work--,'

I raised my eyebrow at the three very uncomfortable looking men. Before I could investigate further, Hermione and my mother came into the room. Hermione looked impeccable, but my mother looked like a train had hit her and she was in intensive care. Her hair and make up wasn't done and she was wearing a tattered bathrobe. It was scary.

'Good morning all.' Hermione said. Without coffee, I might add. Ron had spent the night in the basement with my parents as well, so that couldn't have been the reason she was so…well…chipper!

My mother didn't say a word. Instead, she walked to the cupboard and pulled out a chocolate cake. Holding that in one hand, she opened the drawer and pulled out a fork then sat down at the table and ate it. She didn't even offer us a piece. She just stuck the fork in and took a chunk out.

'Ginny, I was thinking last night…' Hermione began. She had laid out her breakfast and was eating it in alphabetical order. Who does that sort of thing? 'And I think you should start planning your wedding now. You've only got a few months or so before your baby is born.' She raised the coffee cup to her mouth and took a sip. 'That is, of course, you are getting married before you give birth.'

Mum spoke for the first time that morning. 'Of course she is getting married before the baby is born. We've had no illegitimate children in this family,' she looked at Ron in a meaningful way. 'And we never will.'

I moaned. 'I don't want a wedding! Can't I elope to Las Vegas and get married in a 24-hour chapel with an Elvis impersonator? We could get ten pounds worth of chips and get the jackpot so we could live in a secluded village in Albania…' I was rambling now, but I suddenly had a picture of Remus dressed up in leather and sunglasses and me in a dominatrix get up, signing a marriage contract and then escaping to some distant country. I decided right then and there to give up watching trashy American movies. Although, Remus in leather was very nice…

My mum was not as impressed with my vision. 'Ginny, no daughter of mine is getting married in a 24-hour chapel! Where do you come up with these things? Certainly not from me, or your father. We are perfectly decent people and you are going to bring more disgrace on to our family if you don't start acting your age and acting like a lady!'

Now, I haven't been the scared, cowed little girl who emerged from the Chamber of Secrets when I was eleven. I got over it, and it made me stronger, I guess. What that means is that I talk back to my mum when she irritates me enough. Trust me, that spiel she just said irritated me enough.

'Mum, would you get off your high horse for just one minute!' I cried. 'Firstly, if I bring disgrace on to this family because I'm marrying a man who is older than me, not to mention a werewolf, I don't care because I'm in love with Remus.' I pushed the chair back so forcefully that it fell over. I slammed my hands on the scarred table. 'Secondly, this is a new generation, mum! No one acts their age and it isn't vital that we act like ladies! How boring would that be?'

It wasn't hard to guess where I'd gotten my temper from. Especially since my mum was rising and getting ready for World War Three of the Weasley family. 'Hermione is a perfectly lovely girl, who acts like a mature lady.' Her voice was deadly calm.

'How much do you know about Hermione, mum?' I asked. 'Did you see her at my eighteenth birthday party? She got smashed and ended up doing a dance on the table in a French Maid outfit. And she's not getting married to Ron any time soon. Maybe he's asked her and she's just afraid to because…because the baby isn't his!' Oh boy, I was going to crash and burn and probably destroy my friendship with Hermione in the process. Too late to turn back now.

'I think I'll go see your relatives off…' Hermione muttered and made a run for it.

Mum was even angrier now. Hermione was the golden girl that I should do my best to be exactly like. Now I'd gone and put a spot on her reputation. I turned around quickly to see if my mum was accidentally doing some Wandless Magic. I didn't want to have several knives sticking out my back! Phew. I wasn't a pincushion just yet.

'Ginny Anne Weasley!' She shouted. Ron, Dad and Remus were looking at us with mouths hanging open and toast forgotten. 'You can go do anything in this world. You can run around acting like a Scarlet woman. You can play practical jokes in your brother's joke shop. You can even marry someone that I'd never suspect in a million years. But you can not try to bring Hermione into the mud as well!'

To my utter surprise, she turned to Remus and said in a polite, calm voice, 'I'm sorry Remus love. We don't usually fight.'

'Mum, I only said it because I'm sick and tired of her being the poster child for the perfect lady! Hermione isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. No one is perfect.' Except maybe Fay Lyrebird, but that's another story entirely. 'Now, pass me the cake!'

Tempers were calmed, chocolate cake was consumed and I was planning my escape. Remus was back with Fay and they were probably licking chocolate sauce off each other as I pretended to read bridal magazines. They were a load of bull, honestly. The only decent part of the entire magazine was the laughable letters future brides sent in. I know, I'm evil, but who can resist when "Worried from Essex" wants to know how many tiers there should be on a wedding cake?

Ron was sitting opposite me, trying to keep his eyes open. Mum and Dad were out, giving me the perfect time to get out of the house and see some of my friends. All I needed to do was to get Ron to fall asleep long enough for me to slip out of the house and into the big bad world.

I stood up and placed the magazine on my seat. 'Ron, I'm about to make some nice, warm milk. Would you like a glass?'

'You're trying to get me to fall asleep, aren't you?' He asked suspiciously. 'No way. If you're going into the kitchen, get me some Pumpkin juice.'

I rolled my eyes, half because of his stubbornness and half because he'd fallen for my trick. Once in the kitchen, I found the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of Sleeping Draught my mother uses when we kept having nightmares as kids. Since I think that Ron has not grown up yet, I have no qualms whatsoever about using the Draught this one time. I poured some into a glass of Pumpkin Juice and then put it back.

In the lounge, Ron eagerly accepted his glass and skolled it. I sipped my untampered with glass, grinning maliciously as I am wont to do. My brother has known me my entire life, and yet he believes that I, Ginny Weasley, would get him a drink with no ulterior motive. This is stupidity in an extreme and dangerous form. He will soon discover that I am an evil temptress with plans of world domination! Muhahahahahahaha!

My brother's loud snores brought me out of my thoughts, which were beginning to have a Russian accent. I picked up my wand from Ron's limp grip and tucked it into my pocket. My eyes caught a quill and inkpot and I couldn't resist - I drew a curly moustache on his upper lip. Vandalism completed, I put the ink back and snuck to the fireplace to take advantage of the Floo Powder.

If anyone would hide me for an afternoon while my parents are out and my brother is asleep on the living room floor due to a Sleeping Drought I slipped into his drink, it would be Neville Longbottom. He was my boyfriend for a short time before deciding he was gay, but he's still cool. At the moment, he was living in a two-story house in some awesome neighbourhood full of twenty-something couples and their kids.

The owner of the shop I fell into was very polite and sent me on the right track, so I had soon found the house and was knocking on the door. Neville answered and invited me in for the usual tea and biscuits, which I nodded eagerly to. Apparently his boyfriend was out and I was meant to make myself right at home. I didn't feel like throwing my shoes off and jumping on his bed, so I just sat down on his comfy (and still firm) couch and admired the paintings.

'Jeff's a painter.' Neville told me from the kitchen. 'He's selling a painting right now.'

'Mmhm.' I said diplomatically. I mean, come on! What else is there to say? "I don't like painters; they should all go to hell." Or perhaps the ever popular, "You don't say. Let's have a shag."

'Is Earl Grey ok?'

'Yeah, it's fine.'

Neville appeared from the other room and set down a tea set. I always wondered if people actually did that. In my experience people usually make tea in another room and then bring it out, making tea sets completely redundant. Apparently, Neville makes full use of the misguided present.

'So, how's life in the world of Ginny Weasley?' He asked me.

'It's annoying and frustrating.' I announced, pinching a nice chocolate biscuit. I really hate oatmeal biscuits. I don't care how good they are for me. They can be smooshed into a fine dust. 'My mother is driving me nuts. She wants me to plan the wedding. I thought it would sort of…plan itself if I left it long enough.' I looked around the house then back at Neville. 'Hey, d'you want to do it?'

'Plan your wedding?'

'Yeah, sure. You've got good taste.' I liked this idea. I could shove my workload on to Neville and spend all my time moaning about how bad it is to be pregnant.

'I hope you aren't making a gay stereotype, Gin.' Neville said sternly. He wasn't really angry. He couldn't get angry, otherwise he'd ruin my entire image of him as the cute teddy bear.

'Of course not! I'm just stating the obvious. Even when we were going out you knew more about napkins and cutlery than I did.'

He sighed and put his cup of tea down. 'Well, if you were in charge the wedding guests would be asked to come in fancy dress - or in the buff - and they'd have to do the Chicken Dance and sing karaoke.'

'Hey! Why didn't I think of that? Planning this wedding could be kinda fun.'

'No!' He said sharply, and I knew I had him. What was with me today? I was manipulating this way and that. I think I need to get out more. 'No,' he repeated in a nicer tone. 'I'll help. But, you will have to give me most of the creative control, right?'

'Sure. I hand the reigns over to you.'

He had a distant look to his eyes now, and I had seen that look many times before. Only this time it was on the face of a former boyfriend and not in the semi-crazed face of a mother. 'I can see it now. No pink?'

'You got it.' I took a sip of tea. 'So, what do you guys do for fun around here?'

  
***

  
**Author's Note**: Whoo. Hi everyone :D. I'm back with an actual chapter. Isn't it marvellous. I got a slap on the wrist for being naughty and having a chapter with no real content in it, but hopefully I've learnt my lesson. I actually have an idea as to what I'm doing, so hooray! I also had a birthday! I've been into fanfiction for more than a year! Woah! Anyway, to the reviews!

**LTDan**: Oh come on! The more RL/GW, the better! Sorry I took so long. Dude, I say that every darn time! This time I really am :D

**Xela**: I am evil. This was not soon. This was the opposite of soon. I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered doing html. I couldn't be bothered posting. Then I got a ban from uploading because of my excuse. Damn that excuse, damn!

**Anoni-Mouse**: Again, if you're alive, here it is. Sorry :(

**Evergreen Makahiya**: Jeeze I hope I spelt your name right. Anyway, sorry for the working up etc. I updated. Here you are. I do hope it is ok.

**Iselin**: You can't wait for my next chapter? You didn't have to wait! You only have to wait until I bother to upload ;) I changed the pumpkin juice bit because he sounded like a prat. And thanks :)

**Aikakone**: Why thank you. And shameless plugs are all the rage, dontcha know! I plug shamelessly constantly, which is a rather odd saying since talking about stories usually leaks out of me. Where is the plug in that? I hope your story isn't dark enough to warrant a high rating (although I wouldn't really mind). I'm 15 with a conscious, darn it :(

**ShibbySpunkyChick**: Thanks. There are gonna be plenty o' Ginny/Remus moments in the prequel. You know, since I constantly have to go overboard with my stories. But people bug me about how they got together. There were bubbles I tells ya! Bubbles! Oh dear, I've gone insane and am making rather obscure remarks about a fic I haven't shown to the public yet. Eeep.

**Becki**: Thanks. It's worse now I'm in year 10 beause the teachers yell at me and tell me how much work I have to do and they never give me work! Egads! Anyway, I'm sorry I took my sweet time getting it up here. I think only two people in the whole entire world know where I'm headed. Oh, my mother knows too but she never listens to me when I ramble about the B Word. I think she thinks it is some sort of computer game.

**SnogginGodess**: I thawed the B Word. Summer hols are over and I did absolutely nothing. I got freaked out by a "vampire" and stayed up half the night scared out of wits with Astrid-the-oh-so-mighty, but apart from that I did nothing. Thanks for understanding :)

**ShibbySpunkyChick**: I defrosted it. It's a bit melty, but still good. Huzzah! I didn't get to finish my other projects. I decided that writing raunchy fics with OOC Ginny and Remus (he was in leather...:D) means I get a whole lot of sex starved friends begging me to continue. Ick!

**Rurouni Tsuki**: Hi. I live in Australia (soon to become an Australian Citizen so I can get a tax no. easily. They tricked me into it, damn them). Oh, I know reviews aren't everything. I was only making fun. I don't write to get reviews. I write because if I don't I get seven lashings with the whip. Thanks for your words of wisdom, though :D

**Xela**: Yes, there are many things about Faye that are going to come out. I bet she was an annoying survey person at the mall that wouldn't let you go and so that snot from your English class bought the last pair of funky boots *takes a few deep breathes* sorry about that, I'm a bit bitter. There is still much to happen and I have to write how they got together yet. It has a definite Lestat flair to it at the moment...

**Spinx Class of 2008**: Thanks! I like the pairings too. Well, Remus/Ginny rocks my socks, so yeah. I hope you continue reading it :D

**And this goes out to all those who read and don't review**... I don't know, I just wanted to say that. Man, I'm tired after writing all those replies. **Coming Soon**... the next chapter of The B Word. Will Ginny get the Chicken Dance at her wedding? Will we see Hermione in a French Maid outfit again, or Remus in leather? Will Faye turn out to be the missing member of Hanson? Find out in the next installment of The B Word! (And your local newsagent. $4.95 GST included.)

  
_Am I sad or what?_


	7. The Obligatory Cliche Chapter

**Author's Preliminary Note:** Well readers. I've finally managed to write the chapter and actually upload it. Joy. I decided I'd go against everything I believe in and write this. The...  
  


**Obligatory Cliche Chapter**

  
  
Weddings are, in general, no fun. You have all the work to do leading up to it and when they are flung upon you, you're choking on stifling hot dresses and eating stale crackers with what could be cat food. If you're a guest, you have to give super expensive gifts lest you get a statue of a chicken at your own wedding. If you're the bride or groom you have to have a fake smile on your face the entire time while people joke about the wedding night. Not to mention the fact that, if soap operas are anything to go by, the best man is always in love with the bride and they get together and cause heartache and good ratings. 

I hadn't even had mine yet and I hated it.

'Ginny, I would really like to see you in a delicious creamy silk.' Neville told me as he wrapped me up in swaths of material. He was either making a mummy out of me, or he was seeing how I looked in the colour. I was going to go with the latter.

'Oh Neville! You saw plenty of me in silk when we were younger!' I winked and he went bright red. Our former sex life wasn't that funny. Except for the time he asked me to wear a hat with a stuffed vulture on it. His problems with his grandmother go way beyond the norm.

'Yes. Well.' He coughed and turned his attention to the piles of fabric on the table. 'I was thinking maybe a nice sorbet pink for the bridesmaids –,'

'Woah! Slow down there Neville boy! You said no pink!' I exclaimed. Pink is the worst possible colour. Ever. Nothing can redeem it from its awfulness. Especially if it's on a bridesmaid's dress.

'Ginny, in any other situation I would let you have your way. But,' he sighed and stroked the material as if it was gold, 'this is gorgeous!'

'I don't like pink, Neville.' I told him through clenched teeth. 'I would rather kiss Snape.'

'Snape's gay, you know.'

'Huh, wha…?' Talk about changing subjects. Oh well. Snape gossip was good.

'Yep. He's into whips and leather and all that sort of thing. I saw him at a club once, I was with Brian at the time, and it was excellent. Made me feel better about all the times he mortified me in Potions. I went over to him and said "Hello Professor. Imagine seeing you here!" all casual like. He looked like he could just die.' Neville had a dreamy look on his face. 'I'll always treasure the way he said "Certainly explains a few things, doesn't it, Longbottom?"'

I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. Neville was beaming at me, pleased he'd made me laugh. 'Oh, that's marvellous!' I grinned. 'I wonder what else there is about Snape that we don't know.'

'No you don't. That would mean that you actually think about Snape.'

'Ooh, right. Bad thoughts.'

'So sorbet pink it is?' Neville asked.

'Wait a second buddy!' I never thought he would do a dirty, underhanded thing like that. 'Pink is bad.'

'Ginny! Please! I've never asked you for anything before!'

I sighed. Stupid guilt. Neville was too nice for me to deny him something so trivial. It is just a colour, right? 'As long as you don't go overboard.'

He grinned and put the sample of fragment of material in a pile. I wasn't entirely sure he could tell the difference between that and the several other shades bobbing around, but whatever floats his boat.

* * *

It was early afternoon by the time I got out of Neville's foul's grip. I had samples for Remus to look over and say "yay" or "nay" to. Everything was pretty peachy keen, if you catch my drift. I used this all as an excuse to visit the hunky werewolf himself, and Flooed to Hogwarts. 

'I don't know if you should see him immediately, Miss Weasley.' Dumbledore warned me.

'Why's that?' I asked, bored. Dumbledore always seemed to want to use up all my time, and that is time I could be smooching Remus. I hadn't seen him for a week and was beginning to miss him like crazy. 'Another one of your creepy feelings?'

He gave me a benevolent smile. 'So eloquently said.'

'That's me. Eloquent to the very end.' I gave him a Ginny Grin™ and headed towards Remus' room. The whole routine of being-told-there's- danger-then-going-to-Remus'-room was comforting. You know, if you forgot the whole part about danger. I could deal with danger. I'd give danger a wedgie and steal its shoes. And I'm pregnant. Ha ha, I am so badass!

I could hear some strange and disconcerting sounds coming from Remus' room. Odd, very odd. There would be an explanation, of course. It probably involved a cheese sandwich, a freaky dream and an afternoon nap. With this cheesy, dreamy, nap-like thought in my head, I opened the door.

Right. So there was none of that in Remus' room. Instead I got an eyeful of Remus with his pants down and his lap containing an underdressed Faye Lyrebird. I blinked. Um. Something not right here. Why wasn't Remus wearing pants? Why was Faye kissing Remus? Why did Remus have his hands on her butt? OH DEAR GOD!

Remus. Kissing. Faye. It was as if all my worst nightmares had arrived at once and started doing the cancan in my mother's negligee. I blinked. Nope, they were both still there and still smooching like two teenagers in an empty house. HOW DARE HE? I think I might have said that aloud (and loud) because they stopped writhing and moaning and looked at me guiltily. Remus was trying to get up but Faye was getting in the way. I wasn't sure I could move.

I closed the door. Ok, more like slammed it with the force for several Very Pissed Off Dragons. My thoughts were basically: Remus, bastard, Faye, slut, me, walk. I was hoping that my anger would carry me out of the castle so that I could break down in tears somewhere nice and with easy access to chocolate. The bell rang and students started flooding out into the corridors, creating an obstacle course of people.

Snape was at the exit and had a superior look on his face. 'Miss Weasley. Leaving so soon?'

I stared at him. 'What? What do you want from me?'

'I don't think it's very appropriate for you, as a former student, be constantly at Hogwarts.'

'Yeah?' My voice was shaking and I knew I was going to say something I shouldn't. 'I don't think it's very appropriate for you, as a teacher at this fine establishment, to be using your dungeon for something other than Potions, if you know what I mean, Professor.'

The corridor was quiet, except for a few titters in the background. Snape's face was clouded over and I was sure, if I had been a man, he would have hit me. 'I think you should leave now.'

I glared at him and stepped outside into the cool afternoon sun. I had no idea where I was going. I didn't want to go to the Burrow because my mother would annoy me and I would have to pay attention to the whole thing. I couldn't get piss-drunk. I couldn't work at the store. Where else could I go?

Thankfully, my feet knew what to do and I was half way down the path to Hogsmeade before I realised I was outside. By the time the fact I was half way down the path to Hogsmeade had registered in my brain I was in the centre of town and in the process of bumping into Sirius.

'Ginny?' He asked. As if he couldn't tell. How many pregnant redheads did he know? Ok, seeing as it was Sirius, that wasn't the best question to ask.

'I'm so sorry, Sirius.'

'Hey, it's ok Gins.' He peered at my face. 'Or is it? Are you ok?' I shook my head. 'What's the matter, kiddo?'

He'd pay for the kiddo line. 'Remus. Faye. Snogging.'

Sirius frowned. 'I think this requires some sort of drink.'

'Don't bring up drinks. I can't. Pregnancy and all.'

He sighed. 'Pumpkin juice for you, Firewhiskey for me.'

We walked over to the Three Broomsticks and stole a table from a drunk who had slid to the floor. Sirius ordered and I contemplated my hands. Remus' ring wasn't actually on my finger since my hands had swollen. That meant I couldn't have a big, dramatic show of throwing the ring at his feet. Damn.

When the drinks had arrived, Sirius downed his shot and looked at me.

'Right. About the snogging. Now, are you sure you've got the right guy? You know Remus. The tall, lanky bloke? The one in love with you? With all the morals?'

I nodded. Oh bugger. Not tears. Tears were the last thing I wanted to have. You know, apart from an unfaithful lover. 'The thing about morals is that you can do anything you want, call it morals and get away with it as long as you say you believe in it.'

He chuckled softly, almost ruefully, and gave me an awkward hug. I hated being pregnant. I was so sick of not being able to do anything (and obviously I was doing nothing for Remus if he had to kiss Perfect Faye), not least of all was having a nice, normal hug. My fat stomach got in the way and made things uncomfortable. Hugging behind a table makes all those problems twice as bad.

'I hate being pregnant,' I told his chest. 'No wait, I hate Remus.'

'You know he's going to have a completely understandable explanation for all this.' Sirius was smoothing my hair and it felt lovely. I decided right then and there that I was coming back as a cat in my next life. 'He'll tell you that he was administering a potion through his mouth and you'll forgive him and shag like rabbits and have lots of kids so I can spend all my money on godson's and goddaughters.'

I smiled for a split second, then remembered. 'He groped her arse. It was hardly one sided, or a life saving situation. He had his pants down as well.'

He was silent and it was a good thing too. If he had mentioned hormones I would have kicked him where it hurts (my reasoning behind God being a female). My nose was running like crazy so I leant out of his arms and wiped it on my hanky. It was one that my mother had made me, which made me feel really shocking since she was never supportive of my engagement to Remus. She would never let me live it down if Remus did turn out to be a strayer.

I was feeling miserable and Sirius was giving me a weird look, like I was his own personal Messiah.

And then he did the stupidest and most Sirius-like thing he could have done.

He held my face in his hands and kissed me, making sure I knew why he had made all those women (and, from the tales I'd heard, men) melt in mere seconds. I felt like I was worse than Faye. I felt like someone in a soap opera with no control over myself.

'Oh.' I said softly. 'I think I just wet my pants.'

* * *

**More noting by the author**: Is this my first _ever_ cliffhanger? I think it might be ;). Thank you to Colette for bearing with me, for not bearing with me and giving me a verbal kick up the arse, for giving it the Colette Stamp of Approval and for running off with Canadian children when I'd just finished a chapter. Thanks also go to Jenn because she's Jenn. Oh, and thank you to anyone who ever went "Gee, I wish Madame Wolf would update."  
  
**ShibbySpunkyChick**: Thanks :) At least you aren't being held together with sticky tape and paddle pop sticks!

**TeamExtremeGurl**: Thank you! I luv you! 

**SnogginGodess**: You love me, you really love me. Well, hopefully you do. I believe it has been almost half a year since I wrote the last chapter. Egads. Anyway, thanks for reviewing all those months ago :) 

**Uoko**: Thank you for the reviews and I love it when people love me :D (I am not modest in the least.) 

**Becki**: Thanks :) I'm ready! Please don't push me off a plane. 

**aikakone**: Yeah, that was some dodgy html work by me. Thanks for the happy birthday lol. 

**Iselin**: You are awesome :) 

**Lyly**: A genius? Now if only I could get the Nobel Peace Prize people on the phone! 

**SnapesMistress005**: We all fight with our mum. Unless we live in a freaky family where you bake cookies together and have political discussions over a smoked turkey. I've never had turkey, or a political discussion in my life ;). 

**AJRoald**: I'm not entirely sure how old she is. Old enough to know better? Hehehe. 

**Astrid M. Blackcoat**: If you weren't you, I'd marry you as well. However I am going to steal Mitchell and his family, so I think it's better this way. I updated. You do not need to keel me. 

**Blatant Discontent**: Thanks :). I love your name. Supertastically cool :D! 

**s.s.harry**: I'm glad you liked it and that you stayed up until 1 A.M. Sleep is for the weak! 

**TheSunAndTheMoon**: I shall try to keep up the great work. If I don't you have my permission to steal my plastic gun and sword. I can't be a pirate without my gun and sword! 

**Kristine**: Hmm. I'd sex it up, but being the 15 year old I am, I am lacking in uhmm...practical knowledge in that field. Besides, PGiness is always good. Unless you want sex, so yeah. I guess it isn't always good. Now I've confused myself :( 

**Chocolate Muse**: Ah, my Chocolatey Muse. Thank you for finding my story. (I missed you!) Anyway, here we go. Story!  
  
Uh yes. Thank you everyone who looked at the B Word. Look out for the next chapter: **Bed Pans of Mass Concussion!**


	8. Bed Pans of Mass Concussion

**Bed Pans of Mass Concussion**

It's moments like this, when your face is pressed against the cold floor of St Mungo's, your pants are covered in cold tea, your pregnant fiance is about to become less engaged and less pregnant than you first imagined, and your last remaining school chum is armed with a bedpan that you really have to say "Oh God" and hope that that particular deity is listening. Unfortunately, having never been particularly religious, I did not have the Big Man on my side and had to rely on the combined strength of George and Fred to stop me be beaten to a pulp. A bloody one at that.

'Gee Sirius. Be careful will you. You might hit someone with that.' I muttered as I got in a sitting position. I had aimed that witticism at the rather wobbly figure at what I assumed was the Padfoot of fame and fortune. My vision wasn't what you could call fantastic at the moment.

'That was the point, Remus.' He replied, teeth clenched, I suppose.

Someone was helping me into a chair and applying an icy object to the injury. I closed my eyes and let out a short breath. I was feeling incredibly frustrated with the entire situation and I needed to see Ginny post haste. Sirius had already laid down the rules: no one would see Ginny without him.

'Hold that next to your cheek, Remus.' The voice said. My sight was getting better and I could see it was Hermione. 'Sirius, stop acting like a child. No one is seeing Ginny yet except for nurses, and the only people who will see her are the people she wants to see.'

I'd have to mention Hermione's champion efforts in saving her from being swamped. Through all her moaning over her soon-to-be sister-in-law, the two were close and any good deed should be reported immediately. 'Thank you, Hermione.' I said, careful not to cause pain in my face by using outlandish lip movements when I spoke. 'Sirius, care explaining that reflex action when I walked in the door.'

His eyes widened. 'You don't know? You're supposed to be the brains of this operation. It's a _private_ matter, I believe. One between you and Ginny and Faye.' He shrugged languidly, because that is the way Sirius moves. I'm sure it's to make others feel jealous. 'I _could_ let everyone here know about it…'

My mind was running a few paces behind, so when the penny dropped, it dropped from a great height, like a suicide jumper off the London Bridge. Ginny had told Sirius about my little adventure into the mouth of one Faye Lyrebird. Not my finest hour, admittedly, and I was glad Sirius had enough smarts not to announce it.

'Right.' I shifted uncomfortably. There were more factors than I thought to this whole deal. Well, aside from me snogging the wrong woman and being caught by the right one. Sirius knew, which was interesting, odd and disconcerting. He had some vested interest in this as well, otherwise he would have given we a slap on the shoulder and mock scolded me, probably calling me old and a dog. All these thoughts whizzed past my brain in the space of three seconds, which was, coincidentally, how long it took the nurse to call me over to the door.

I got to my feet and left the ice pack on the chair. It was probably a subconscious decision to inflict pain on myself to atone for my sins. Either that, or it was making my hand cold and I didn't want to see Ginny with a numb hand. Sirius caught me by the sleeve, (I rue the day I discovered Oxford shirts) and gave me a look. I was meaningful; I could tell.

'I'm going in, too.' He told me.

'Sirius,' I said wearily, hoping that I could just say his name and in those syllables I could instill how I felt without using more words. Foolish me. Sirius never took a hint, and when he was in one of these moods he seemed to go so far out of his way, if he were a number plane, he'd be in the negatives. Wow, Ginny must be rubbing off on me because that is officially the most random metaphor I have ever had.

'You're not the only one who cares for her, Remus.' He said, not able to meet my eyes now.

'Sirius, you do realise this isn't a romance novel, right?' I asked him, finally exasperated. Everyone around me was acting like they were poorly written, sex crazed heroes and heroines in a Mills and Boons book. 'You can't just say "You're not the only one who cares for her" because it sounds important. We are real people here, with real feelings and really screwed up problems and your flair for melodramatic is not appreciated.'

'Gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voices down.' The nurse told us, making me jump because I was rather hoping no one but Sirius had heard it. Well, I didn't really like hurting Sirius, but it had to be said. 'Stress brought on the early pregnancy,' she paused slightly to give us incredibly disapproving looks that Molly Weasley would be proud of, 'and stress will cause further damage if you walk through that door shouting.'

'Yes ma'am,' we said in unison, quite humbled by the rebuke.

She plastered a smiley face on. 'As long as that's cleared up.' The nurse pushed open the doors and let us in.

Now, when I heard that Ginny had gone into labour, I instantly envisioned her in total agony, screaming and swearing and all that jazz. What I saw before me was, instead, like some sort of topsy- tea party, the likes of which have not been seen since Lewis Carroll wrote a story after the misadventures of his curious daughter. Ginny was sipping on a cup of tea with her mother beside her and what I assumed was someone from the maternity ward. No one was in pain, no one was ready to claw out eyes.

All in all, I found it rather disappointing.

Sirius, free of any charges against his moral fibre, took a seat next to my fiance (_My _fiance. Not his) and was handed a cup of tea. I was the pariah, so I had to stand around, looking and feeling bloody uncomfortable as Ginny wrapped up her conversation, which seemed to be something of an inane matter. Apparently, the Ginny who usually resides in her body was on vacation.

When her mother had gone back to the people waiting outside and the midwife had left to check on her tests, Ginny told me to take a seat. Completely. Without. Sarcasm. The door shut and I realised that it was a trap.

* * *

Right. So. Following my embarrassing "leaking" on Sirius' shoes (which he was a total gentleman about, but I guess he'd relish the distraction. Kissing me after crying a whole bunch is not the smoothest move you can make. It was a bit of a let down. If I'd known Sirius wanted to get into my pants, I would have been a bit less weepy and more snot-free), we headed to the hospital because generally pregnant women should not be having escaping liquids at this stage. I was tagged and tested and growled at for being in labour so soon, and then put in a room for some more thorough investigation.

I waited. Remus had to come, because so far, only four people knew what a rotten scoundrel he was. If he didn't show up for his own kid's birth, which I doubt he'd do anyway, he would be putting his reputation in front of a firing squad. I had a few contractions, which really, _really_ hurt, where the second "really" is actually, in fact, a terrible swear word.

And he came. His face was a bit swollen, and I guess it must have something to do with the odd sound I had heard earlier. I said that it sounded like a bedpan hitting someone in the face, but no one believed me. He looked incredibly awkward, and I lapped up every minute that I had that power over him. I eventually had to talk to him because I'm not that mean. Well, I am, but if I wanted any longer, the baby would be attending a Hogwarts feast by the time I finished.

'Take a seat, Remus.' I said in even tones.

He sat down gingerly. 'How are you feeling?'

I shrugged my shoulders. 'So so. I'm giving birth to an elephant and my FIANCE CHEATED ON ME, but apart from that not too bad. How are you?'

Remus sighed quietly. 'I didn't _cheat_ on you.'

'May I have a biscuit, Ginny?' Sirius asked, referring to some odd, baby shaped cookies my mother had brought.

'Sure. Remus, you kissed her. Your pants were open. Hands were on butts.'

'I didn't _mean_ to be unfaithful. She just sort of landed in my lap.'

'That is a pretty weak excuse. You wouldn't have been…fondling…bottoms if you didn't want it to happen.'

'She dumped tea on my crotch and proceeded to clean it up, with much protestation from me.'

'Speaking of which, may I have another cup, Ginny?'

'Yeah, go for it Sirius. Remus, I must have stood at that doorway for thirty seconds before freaking out. In that time, I could see you were totally into it. Hands were everywhere, and Faye was hardly dressed.'

'Oh, so you're blaming me for what Faye wears? It's not as if I have a control over her wardrobe. I'm not the All-Powerful God of clothing.'

'Don't take that tone of voice with me, Remus. I'm the injured party. Faye wears those clothes so that she can snare prime werewolf real estate, and it has worked.'

Remus let out a sound that was sort of an exasperated, infuriated grunt. He stood up and looked me in the eyes. 'Yes, I fell off the fidelity horse. I did. I kissed Faye. I even _wanted_ to kiss Faye because she won't play mind games with me or treat me like some sort of side kick. I want to be an equal, and if you can't see that Ginny, then we've made the biggest mistake we can make.'

I glared at him, because I didn't know what else to do. 'Maybe you should go.' Wow, that is stellar come back. I was so proud of myself that I doubled over with pain. Actually, that may have been the gigantic contraction my body decided to have. Someone was rubbing by back, and after Remus' outburst, I had a feeling it was Sirius.

'Brilliant.' I muttered.

* * *

I wasn't exactly sure what Ginny meant by telling me to leave. It was very vague. I could leave the room, the hospital or the planet, but she may have been asking me to leave her life. Uncertain, I chose to wait out the whole business of giving birth in the waiting room, which was aptly named. People were crowding around, and it was a peculiar sight. I didn't know Ginny had so many friends.

Her brothers took up the bulk of the space, being tall and boisterous, but there were at least a dozen other people there to see if Ginny was all right. Molly Weasley, having been booted out of the delivery room, was full of snappy, nervous energy. This resulted in people being ordered around on errands of no significance. I felt a tremendous urge to smoke a cigarette, a habit I haven't indulged in for at least a decade.

Nonetheless, it would make me feel better in the mean time, so I slipped out of the sea of people as well as the hospital in search of a cigarette and a block to walk around. I didn't have to look far, because Faye was standing at the entrance with a lighter and pack of my old brand. She was either the devil, or some sort of angel delivering me from angst.

'How is Ginny?' She asked me as I slipped a cigarette between my lips.

Faye flipped the cap to the lighter and lit the fag. 'In labour, how do you think?'

'I'm sorry,' she said, with an expression that begged to differ. 'It was wrong of me to kiss you.'

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Word of advice here: women are absolutely loco. I fell for Ginny hard because she complemented me. She's fun and caring and everything I never thought to look out for in earlier partners. Then it turns out she is insane and likes messing with my head. So, I got snogged by a family friend who used to be polite and nice, but now turns out to be some sort of evil seductress worthy of the Bible. I'm only male. I can't cope with the twist and turns of the female brain.

'It was worse for me to kiss you back.' I told her, and brushed past her into the street.

* * *

I was feeling pretty damn lousy. If you took the two things that were causing me to feel like crap and separated them, they were awful all by themselves. Having a child hurts and is very emotional and all that stuff. Having your lover cheat on you is painful and emotional and all that stuff as well. There was nothing I could do about either problem and that irked me no end. I wanted to be proactive, not be a lump of useless potato.

'Ginny, we haven't been able to find him. Your contractions are coming in closer together. We may need to deliver without Remus.' Sirius told me earnestly. He was hardly in an objective position on that front. 'Don't give me that look. I can't do any more than I'm doing.'

I knew he was right, but that didn't mean I had to be graceful about it. 'The baby is early, shouldn't I make it wait?'

'Your logic is flawed in so many different ways, I don't even want to think about it.' He said and flopped into a chair. Sirius does a lot of that, lots of graceful movements even when he's trying to be ungraceful. He should have been a dancer or something. But as soon as I thought that, I remembered the kiss we'd had earlier, and about that something which he would excel at, and I went bright red. 'Spill, kiddo.'

'Find Remus and I will.' I retorted.

'I don't even know why you want to see him. It's not like he has a degree from some incredible school of giving birth to things.' Sirius picked his teeth with his fingernails. If he were in dog form, I think he would be cleaning himself. 'He's just going to jiggle up and down next to you, making lots of comforting sounds and letting you squeeze his hand so much marrow flies out.'

That made me really depressed. 'Yeah.'

Sirius was instantly contrite. Men were good at that. 'Sorry, Gin. Who would have thought that being willing to have someone's child meant you were fond of them.' He stood up and struck a pose that, I suppose could be considered noble. 'I will go forth and seek out the mislaid werewolf! But you're not allowed to have the kid until then, ok?'

'Ok, Sirius. Better make it quick, then.'

I watched him stride out the door. If neither of them came back, I'd have to go through with the labour all by myself and I wouldn't be able to swear at anyone for getting me into this mess. I patted my bulging stomach tenderly. 'No fighting in there, OK?'

* * *

Severus Snape was what people would call "good at potions". It was a gross understatement, but for the time being, it is as good a description as any. He was a bastard with a soft spot for being nasty and made it a hobby to be mean to people, especially if they resembled a Gryffindor. However, under all those layers of bitterness and spite, there was a heart and it beat to the tune of Ambition. Snape had some coveted titles under his belt, but he wanted to go for the big one. He wanted to cure lycanthropy.

Now, to either the oblivious, the ignorant, or the nearest Muggle, this would not sound so hard. Big deal, they would say, possibly as they opened a can of cheap beer. The beer-swilling fool probably had no idea what lycanthropy was, let alone any way of curing it. Snape was pleased to say that he had a vague clue as to how to go about it and that placed him in the forefront of lycanthropy research.

He had been lucky. He had managed to secure a lab with any instruments he needed and had a willing and able patient to test the cures on. Over the course of a few years, Snape had narrowed down the possibilities to one vial of potion. Droplets had been given to his were-mice in the laboratory, and they had responded to it like a duck does to croquet (which, few know, is their favourite hobby. They are quite good at it and have won gold medals.)

Snape was pleased with himself. That is to say, he was chuffed. If he had been any other man, he would have held a party, or found himself a girl to get better acquainted with, or even shouted himself out to some sort of meal. Snape was not any other man. Instead, he splurged on another subscription to Potions Weekly, which had once been a forum for informative and interesting ideas in that field, but was a little too sensational to be taken seriously these days.

He was slightly annoyed by the fact that there was no hard evidence to support the potion. His local tester had run off to watch his fiance give birth or something similar, Snape didn't really like keeping abreast of affairs. It would indicate that he gave a damn. However, the red devil was in labour, and Albus had decided that Severus could hold down the fort. So Severus held down the fort by giving Gryffindors exceedingly hard chores and taking away points for breathing through the mouth instead of the nose.

Holding down the fort is a tiring job, and to Severus' eventual surprise, he fell asleep in his favourite armchair. His rooms at Hogwarts were not that hard to get into – if one was a master thief who also had a fetish for locks and wards. The burglar made short work of all the protection that wrapped around his chambers and only took one thing.

The Cure for Lycanthropy.

* * *

'Right, so what do we know now?'

'I am a bastard, a coward and a fool.'

Sirius nodded emphatically. 'Good, good. We're on the right track here. Stop drinking that and look at me. What do you need to do?'

I swallowed heavily. I had a lump in my throat, and, on a rough estimate, it was the size of a reasonable Alp. I was only half an hour into the smoking and drinking, and I needed time to adjust to all the bad toxins. Sirius was not helping by trying to persuade me to head back to the hospital. Going back there seemed like the worst idea I had heard in a long time, maybe even since I thought a moonlit walk near the forest would be nice.

'I need to do what's best for Ginny.' I said finally, expelling a large amount of air in the form of a sigh.

'And that is…?'

'I don't know! No one knows. No man can possibly know what a woman wants, especially not when a woman is hormonal.' I stubbed out my cigarette in the ashtray and lit up another. 'Does she want me back?'

'If you were her, would you want you back?'

'No, I wouldn't. I'd tell me to go sod off and then I'd go cry, because being a woman means you can cry about things.'

'Men can cry about things, too.'

'Who are you trying to kid? When was the last time you felt comfortable crying?'

'Well, all right. So we can't cry if we want to. The point is: Ginny doesn't want to raise a baby by herself.' Sirius drove this home by prodding me in the arm after every syllable. 'You have to go back to the hospital. No one would forgive you if you didn't even see your own child's birth.'

I stared at my fag and then stood up. 'You're right!' I exclaimed, and then realised that he was too far right and that I was far too close the ground to be any use to my feet. Sirius helped me up and slung one of my arms around his neck.

'You're a bloody wanker, Remus. You're not supposed to get drunk before the baby's born. You get drunk afterwards. And what does that leave me to do? Carry you to the bloody hospital, and I won't even get the girl.'

**

* * *

**

**Author's Note:**

Well my children, another chapter has spent far too long on my hardrive before being updated. I had about a thousand words written for months and I liked the idea of them, but they weren't going anywhere so I did a major overhaul and wrote the rest of the chapter in a couple of days. As soon as I started writing it, I knew I had to make up for some of my other failings in this story that I hadn't noticed before, but are now starting to drive me nuts. Hopefully you have all learnt that Paige is a terrible person for updating and that you should never, ever trust her! I need to thank my beloved and tireless beta reader, Colette. When she _is_ tired, I turn to the awesome and ever amazing Mrs. Niles Crane and Astrid The Mighty to wow me with their mad looking over fic skillz (the z is intentional!). Thank you, the readers, who may or may not put up with my tardiness, but still read the fic anyway. You are the finest kind and deserve Adams' Ribs and dry martinis, plus three days r'n'r!

**Blatant Discontent:** Sorry about the lack of updateness. I was terrible. I am terrible. But I tried to make up for it!

**Iselin:** Thanks for everything. We shall soon be at an end! Our years of careful writing will finish with the bang. The pinnacle of my career! Well, I like to think so at least ;)

**akiakone**: I think this chapter has turned away from the Stephanie Plum style and into a more Douglas Adams/Terry Pratchett voice. I just don't think I was getting the entire point across when I wrote like that. Sorry I didn't write this fast. Bad Paige, bad.

**WiDz:** Ya know, I wasn't going to finish this but then I got your review and I thought "I have to write this!" Uh, yes. Thank you for reading!

**SnogginGodess**: Are you still alive? I'm sorry. Truly, I am. Puppy dog eyes

**FemmeDraconis**: Maybe I should get someone to do some fanart for it. Wow, that has to be the epitome of self indulgence! Thanks for reading!

**Tabitha:** Yeah, I suck. Maybe I should blame the tools. Uh, yes. My computer was all "broken" and such. I couldn't _possibly_ write it…no, no, I was just suffering writer's block. Le sigh!

**Big Bad Titou Moony:** It wasn't so much a "good excuse" as an excuse full of angst! Score!

**Chocolate Muse:** Big sleazy grin I think you'll enjoy the alternate ending I'm writing for this. So totally awesome! I think I've been reading too much Hawkeye/BJ where they're out of Korea and Hawkeye is depressed and needs lots of lovin'. Anyway, thanks, and sorry. I'm like the dead beat boyfriend that's writing a novel and bums money off you so I can get drunk and creative and then say sorry and take you to a cheap restauraunt to make up for it. Yeah. That's what I am.

**Carmleinak**: Thanks! Sorry for the wait!

**lovinitsfate:** Well, as I said to Chocolate Muse: my alternate ending will be the perfect ending for all characters involved and will be an awesome story twist. I'm sixteen now, so I'm allowed to write it!!!

**AJRoald**: Thankies : ) Yep. I think everyone is wondering how he could. I (now know that I) deliberately left Remus out of things at let Ginny get mired in self aborbtion. Huzzah! Everyone is to blame!

**brokentoy19**: LOL! I'd hate to be Remus if I'd written it like that! And yes, Sirius is wonderful for distracting people, especially when they're having babies. He's good like that.

**LupinFan227**: Aww, that made me all squidgy inside. Thanks. I love it when people laugh at work. I kept laughing at a story I was reading and my brother was trying to get me to catch the bus and wanted to know what was so funny. I kept winding him up. Amusement plus brother annoyance! It is great!

**deal-with-it**: I like to think that Neville was intimidated by his grandmother, and he likes being intimidated, if ya catch my drift. Eek. I certainly hope you're not dead by now. I'll leave some flowers at your grave, ok? And a copy of this chapter. Rest in Peace.

**Misty's Dawn:** Yeah, I am pretty darn crazy. Most writers are, and some of the best were legitimately insane. I should know, I have a book on the subject. Well, there's a chapter on it!

**english-at-heart**: Oops, sorry. I updated as soon as I could! Honest!

**LostRose:** I'm terrible. Seriously. Terrible. I'm. I hope I made it up to you. If not, I'll take you out to a nice restaurant and we'll have some wine and we'll dance and I'll whisper poetry in your ear. You can say I don't treat you right, and I'll nod, tears in my eyes and you'll say you can't take it any more and leave me for the insurance salesman down the road. Damn, now I'm depressed. How could you leave me?

**Michelle**: No, I'm afraid only demon spawn can make me update faster. That, or crazy creative pills in my drink. But you can beg if you like. I won't stop you. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

**Trixie-Guest**: Aww, flattery will get you everywhere ;) Oh boy, I have been watching too much Mash. Damn that Hawkeye and his easy flirtingness. Sirius is The Awesome! He used to be The Sex (which I can write now that I'm sixteen, score!) , but he got a bit rusty in Azkaban. Plus he's a sweetheart under everything.

**Ashley**: Sorry! Enjoy this chapter and put more pins in my voodoo doll.

**Beloved-Stranger**: I am a New Zealander masquerading as an Aussie. I'm bringing them down from the inside, if you know what I mean. Spiking the drinking water and such. I'm just glad that New Zealanders hold themselves with a quiet dignity, rather than the crass offensive nature of Australians. Plus, everyone knows the best Aussies are Kiwis ;).

**Becki**: Aww, that's awesome! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	9. For the Want of a Better Ending

**For the Want of a Better Ending...**

A poet that Fay Lyrebird had spent an amazing three days with, had once described her as a lethal weapon with legs. This was probably because she had distracted him her mind-blowing talents and then she had stolen his drafts, which she later published and won a lot of money. Fay was beautiful, she was smart, and had a knack for getting men to do whatever she wanted. What made her different from the conniving bitch from the street was the fact that Fay had made a career out of it.

When she had heard that Severus Snape was well on the way to making a cure to lycanthropy, she caught the next train to Hogwarts and offered herself as a Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. This pleased Dumbledore no end because one of his many mottos is "never look a gift horse in the mouth." Thanking her profusely, he gave her the job since her credentials were almost glowing enough to make her eligible for _his_ position. Having wormed herself thus far into the operation, Fay sat back, relaxed, and let Snape find the cure.

Remus had been her own diversion. She had had a crush on him ever since she laid eyes on him back in the midst of childhood. He confided in her about how Ginny didn't seem to treat him right, how he longed for an adult conversation, how he wanted some sort of change. It was too easy to kiss him when he was ripe for the picking. It was easy and fun.

Amusingly enough, the distraction she needed to break into Snape's lab was supplied by the birth of Ginny's child. Albus had been contacted by a hysterical Molly Weasley and, seeing as the school was not in mortal peril, let Severus control things for a while. Snape was an anal retentive bastard and was all tuckered out by the time he fell asleep. A perfect time for the perfect crime.

She was now waiting patiently in the waiting room of the hospital, the vial of the elusive cure hiding in her pocket. Fay was getting bored with this scene, and it was time she found out whether Remus was completely under her spell. She liked to think of herself as some sort of chaos factor. That was just a nice way of saying she was pretty much the devil and planned to tempt as many people as she could.

I was sober. I was debonair. I was ready to beg at the feet of Ginny Weasley. Sirius had spent the entire trip back to the hospital gushing about her, and I realised that if I didn't get her back soon, she'd fly into the arms of my best mate. And, this was my fault. Partially. Me being a bit of a wanker didn't stop the fact she acted like a child.

'Where have you _been_?' Hermione asked me as we walked in the door. 'Ginny has been crying and calling out for any strong male presence. Snape made the mistake of going in there looking for you. We haven't seen or heard him since.'

'Snape's looking for me?' I asked. Sirius elbowed me in the side to remind me that I was here for Ginny, not my workmate.

'Step aside, young lady!' Sirius said, puffing out his chest. 'We are here to see Ginny.'

Hermione raised an eyebrow. 'I don't think you, Remus and your chest will be allowed in there. Especially when Snape's held hostage.'

'Kick him out!' he replied. 'We are men on a mission.'

She sighed and went to the door to call out for the man in question. I looked around, feeling nervous and awkward. Hermione gestured us over, and we walked to the door. Our journey was intercepted by Fay who looked like she was up to more mischief. Mischief? I haven't used that word since I stopped reading Enid Blyton in Muggle Studies.

'Remus.' She said.

'Fay.' I replied.

'I have a proposition.'

The room was completely silent. As if these people didn't get enough action in their own lives! Did they really have to observe my little crisis? 'Not now, Fay. I have to see Ginny.'

'You might want to listen to her, Lupin!'

Snape was white – even for him.

I was pretty much on the verge of cracking. As soon as the baby was born and things had been patched up with Ginny I was going to spend six months doing nothing more than getting friendly with her body, enjoying being a father and sleeping.

'She has the cure, the notes and has erased my memory.' He managed to croak out.

'You _have_ to be joking!' I exclaimed. This was me Pissed Off. 'Sirius, go see Ginny. I have to sort this out.' He nodded, clearly confused. 'Fay, what are you going on about? What is this proposition? How did you get the hands on that stuff? Why did you clear his memory?'

'Remus, I am offering you the chance to be free of your curse, and free of Ginny and the child. I'm offering you the chance to be with me.' She pulled out the notes and the bottle to show me the evidence.

'You're insane!' I cried. 'I don't want to be with anyone other than Ginny. She is the only one I could ever _possibly_ think about loving. You can't just buy my love by curing my lycanthropy. I'd rather be a werewolf than be your plaything. Seriously. You're nuts.'

She looked flustered, to say the least. Before she could get a _really_ good retort in, Ginny disarmed her, making the vial smash against the wall. The papers fluttered down and landed at Severus' feet. 'See, I _told_ you. She was too good to be true.' Ginny announced from the door.

'I don't care.' I said, stepping over the body of Fay so I could hug Ginny. 'What are you doing out of bed?'

'I'm saving your life!'

'She didn't actually have a wand out, Gins.' Sirius said.

'Yes, but if he had gone with her, I would have killed him myself.' She looked exhausted, and the baby wasn't even born yet. I smoothed a strand of her hair out of her face. 'Look, I don't care if you kissed her. I love you. I'm getting sick of all this rubbish. You can see that Fay is really a crazy, manipulating bitch. Can we never speak of it again?'

I nodded. 'Get back in bed.'

I helped her over to the bed where the midwives were practically running around like headless chickens. 'How far apart are your contractions, Miss Weasley?' One asked.

'Oh, they're supposed to be apart?' Ginny said breathlessly.

Sirius and I hung back as they checked the progress. I distinctly heard some swearing. 'Miss Weasley, how, in God's name were you able to stand?'

'Where there's a will, there's a way.' She sighed.

* * *

It was late by the time I woke up. I was dead tired, but pain free. If ever there was a reason to love the magical world, this was it: their painkillers can't be beat. Sirius was sitting in a seat next to the bed, half asleep, and when I woke him up, he told me Remus was getting coffee. I would kill for a cup of coffee. 

'I'm sorry about earlier.' He told me. 'I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have feelings for you.'

I waved away his apologies with an extremely tired hand. 'Sirius, you're just feeling sorry that your awesome powers of seduction didn't sweep me off my feet.' I grinned. 'If I had not been taken for, I would have melted like putty in your hands.'

Remus entered the room with his steaming cups of liquid coffee heaven. 'Ah, you're awake!' He said softly and handed Sirius a drink. 'You were great. The doctor was so impressed.'

'I'm glad everyone enjoyed the show.' I rolled my eyes and stole Remus' coffee so I could take a sip. 'How is she?'

He sat down next to me in the bed and a huge smile broke on his face. 'She's perfect. She has ten toes and ten fingers and these pudgy little hands.'

'Have you named her yet?' I asked.

'No, you were suppose to name her.'

'Well, I don't have any names picked out, I thought you were going to have it all sorted.'

Sirius held up a hand. 'Name her Grace Ginevra Lupin and all will be well.'

I shrugged. 'Sounds good to me. Remus?'

'I have no complaints. She won't get teased at school, at least.' He reclaimed his coffee from me. 'Here's to Grace Ginevra Lupin. May she be as beautiful as her mother, as studious as her father and as dashing as her godfather.'

'To Grace!' Sirius and I echoed.

We were quiet for a few moments as we all absorbed the fact that our lives had changed dramatically. I'm allergic to silence, so I was the first to speak. 'What has happened to Fay?'

Remus looked decidedly uncomfortable. 'She's locked away somewhere and isn't going to get out for a while.'

'If she doesn't seduce the guards and run away, you mean,' I said snidely. Sure, I might be all grown up and totally a mother, but it didn't mean that I had to forgive everything. The facts were that Fay was a man-eating, manipulative thief who almost ruined Remus' chances of ridding himself of lycanthropy.

'Maybe they'll have eunuchs keeping watch?' Sirius suggested in such a hopeful voice, that I had to laugh.

'Maybe!'

'And the cure?' I asked after our smiles had faded.

'Snape has the notes and can work off them. There should be a new batch of cure ready in about two weeks – just in time for the full moon, actually. But I'm not sure if I want to drink it yet…'

I frowned. 'What do you mean? This cause has meant everything to you!'

He shrugged uncomfortably, as if explaining himself was embarrassing. 'It's just that…being a werewolf is a huge part of who I am. It has dictated how I live my life for so long, that I'm not sure that I am ready to just let go of it. I need to come to terms with the fact that I might not be who I am for much longer.'

I leant over and took his hand, squeezing it gently. 'Well, I'll support you for as long as it takes.'

He squeezed my hand back. Sirius was growing bored at this stage, and so he leapt out of his chair and walked out the door. I blinked in confusion, but decided it was just another Sirius-isms that I was used to. 'So are we ok now?' Remus asked.

I nodded. 'I'll be more mature and understanding and you can actually _talk_ to me once in a while and tell me what you need. See? Look at all the money we saved on therapy!'

He leant in close and growled something in my ear that was _far_ too inappropriate to mention, but I will say that it made my cheeks go very red. If you have any idea of my level of open-mindedness, (it is quite incredibly, to say the least) then you will know that it must have been amazingly sexy and naughty.

At this point, Sirius had returned and was dragging with him a priest of some sort. The poor soul looked confused and disoriented, but smiled politely. 'Ginny, Remus, this is Father James and he's going to marry you!'

'Where did you – hello Father – where did you find him, pray tell?' Remus asked, too baffled to be angry at his oldest friend.

'He was just, um, wandering around. I think he's supposed to be in some sort of monastery at the moment, but he's here now, so pay attention.'

So, the priest married us and we signed some papers that Sirius produced from his pocket and then we were husband and wife. I felt bad for Mum who was still stressing out about the wedding – especially now that I had shrunk several dress sizes after delivering Grace, but at that moment I was far too tired to even give a damn. I think that kinda sums up most of the decisions I've made in this life.

THE END.

**Author's Note: **So, we have come to the end of the B Word journey. When I started this thing, it was just a fun little piece I wrote without knowing what it would lead to. There have been so many changes since I started - my age, for one, two books being published, as well as writing style, plot twists and characterisation. I will make no apologies for what has been written because the progression of this story has clearly shown how far I have come as a writer and as a person, and that is an awful load to place on a simple fanfiction! I would love to thank every single person who read this story and reviewed, but alas my hands are tied. So, I will instead thank: Iselin, for her tireless efforts as my beta reader through thick and thin; Jennifer for letting me flood her inbox with variations on a similar theme; and Hannah, my psychically linked friend that, instead of drifting apart when we don't talk to each other for months, simply use that time to collect more obsessions that are _exactly the same._

This is not the ending I would have wanted, but I have realised that I never truly wanted an ending, and this is the best I can do. Thank you.


End file.
